You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby!

I am a fraud, actress, liar, and cheater. (please keep reading)

I have been telling others to trust God for the last forever and never believing that I could trust him.Who you ask,  I don’t trust God. I don’t trust him to take care of me all the time, to provide for me, to bring forth a life of purpose and the desires of my heart. I lie to those around me and say that I trust him with my whole heart, that he is the center of my life, that he brings me the greatest joy. When I tell myself that I am the one left behind and forgotten, I know what the Bible says but I don’t feel those words.  

For the last year I have felt more lonely, more lost and more upside down than any other time in my life. I have been one of those Christians, that worship with their face and their heart is dry. I am the Queen of going through the motions. I can fake life like no other. I remember as a child being told I was the most cunning and conniving child(the sad thing is I was proud of that). I am good at making it look real.

That being said I must confess:

  • I have slacked off classes since last summer and prayed that someone would fix it for me later
  • I have sat at home watching tv and staring at the wall when I should have been in class.
  • I have been not the mother I should be.
  • Blamed when I should have taken the blame.
  • I have disappointed those who gave their faith to me.
  • I have served God in vain.
  • used food, money, and excuses to fill the void I pushed God out of.
  • I have done this all to remove myself from success, for if I succeed who will I be I have always been the failure. I don’t know how to be the success.

I say all this to remove it all and be the success. I can finish school, with the help of prayer and the grace of God. Please pray for me, and let me know how I can pray for you. I stand clean, awaiting Christ arms to embrace me once again.

Tuesday the Son comes and out and begins to shine a light through my heart and out of my words.


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