A Dirty Home

This week I have had the opportunity to keep the house spotless. Bathrooms, kitchen, even new sheets and the vacuum has been run (I love vacuum tracks). But there has been an inner lurking of another kind. I made a decision to allow the boys daddy to come over, we had a very nice time; the boys enjoyed time with him after our dinner together at Braums and we enjoyed the company of him in our house for the first time. I had been reluctant to allow him over for fear that the situation would go to far or a can of worms would be opened. Anyway, I had felt that the house had a pure and innocent feel to it. A unused and clean feeling. Like a virgin house. That feeling has passed and now I am left feeling that even though everyone seemed to have a great time and had a better experience then when he would come to my mothers to see the boys, I am still feeling that uneasy feeling. Did I make a mistake or am I just being weird? I am unsure. Maybe the true feeling is that I still do not trust myself around him. That I could slip into old habits of playing house without the true home being bought. I want the boys to be able to see their father and he has been reluctant to come to my mothers. I feel stuck and icky at the same time. I hate this situation. To all those young girls that may stumble upon this, know that playing house is fun for a while until the bank re posses their playhouse and reminds you that you where never tenants in the first place, remember that playing house  will never be a home. Marriage will come, wait for it!

Prayers are needed, although I am not sure what for; prayers are needed!



4 thoughts on “A Dirty Home

  1. Its so strange you tell this story. A close co-worker is dealing with the same thing right now. I will keep you in my prayers and if my co-worker comes to a life altering realization from her story, I’ll share it with you to help you. Keep hope.

  2. You know…It is alot like “playing house” when he comes into your space with the boys..and it’s the scenario that “should have been”. I think that would leave me feeling really uncomfortable as well…so I think you are right on feeling that way. As far as you wanting the kids to see their father..maybe just a park or somewhere that is neutral..then you won’t be left with that tainted feeling. I’m totally with you on this. I think that we all have it in our heads that when we have kids we are going to be married and be happy…and it’s not really the reality for alot of people..it’s totally okay to adjust that “ideal” that your missing a piece of the puzzle…I think you have it more together than you realize..your a single mom, providing for your kids..and going to school…your doing amazing. Don’t worry…your definitely going to get the happy ending at some point:) If anything this is just going to weed out the good people from the bad in your life..it’s alot easier to do that when you have a reason like kids in your life.

  3. I agree with Cindy. Be on your guard. I had my exhusband in my house once. After I had moved in, my home – if you can try and understand this – felt untainted. No one had ever been yelled at in it. No one had ever been abused. It felt as if it was filled with love. Well, then it happened. He began to lecture me as if I was a three year old, and not in a nice way. Suddenly the house felt more like a trap. I had to ask him to leave and I’ve never let him inside since. It took a long time for the house to feel like it’s mine again. Like it’s pure. I’ll pray for you – wisdom and strength. The last time it was necessary for my son, his father and I to meet, we went out for supper to a restaurant. I was able to leave when I wanted. No yelling. I came home to a safe place. Old feelings pop up when we least expect them, some of them make us yearn for the “good ole days” and some remind us of the bad old days. Yes, I’ll pray for you. 🙂

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