Tonight after a long textversation with a very close friend from my past I could not help but thinking that I was missing out on something. I wanted to go back to that time when he and I were closer and maybe in love, in ignorance and in sin. We were friends, lovers and drama specialists. Tonight after talking with him about being friends without the drama, love, and loving he rejected that thought and told me that he could not do that.
So I thought, the past is the past for a reason. So why do we keep looking back? Why do we not let the dust settle from the sandals to which Christ kicks up when we walk with Him? Because within that dust is all the heartbreak, falseness, sin and pain to which we left behind and joined with the only one could wash it away. We keep shifting through and looking for something left behind.
Tonight my heart breaks; out of love, sorrow, regret? Maybe. But my heart truely breaks for my impatience in God. My sorrow and loneliness from fighting a war on my own. When it gets to be a bigger burden than I thought; with the added weight of being a single mother, a full time student, a fighter of bipolar disorder and an unmarried woman. Sometimes I think that that dust from the past is better than the soil which may or may not be in the future.
Tonight I pray that I have courage to stop looking back in the dust. Remind myself that the war is being fought for me and all I have to do is remember who’s on my side.