opinionated

Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.

– Bill Bullard

seeking others and their pain, their struggle, their hope, and their dreams is the only way to truly understand yourself. as a know-it-all, i have struggled with this most of my life; seeking to only be understood and validated. turning the table to understand and let another persons hope reside in me, even if just for a brief moment hopefully will help my heart grow and my ego shrink. #workinprogress

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which way

my creativity lately has been dead. i have no idea what i am doing, or in which direction i want to go.

if you have seen Labyrinth (1986 The Jim Henson Company) you may relate to me telling you i feel like Sarah when she first enters the labyrinth. i do not know which direction will result in freedom and either direction looks the same and unending. yes, this is depressing. no, i am no depressed. i am frustrated, because i know there is a secret exit somewhere guarded by a little worm who would rather help me forget my goal than help me attain it.

i have nothing clever to end with. i wish i did.

feel free to share.

desires of the heart

3729612161160408WnDeO902ci am losing faith in this ideal. i desire a husband who loves me more than the earth and fucks like Christian Grey, who lets me stay home with the kids and bake cookies. i  want my own home that i get to decorate with love and fill with laughter and friends. i want a job that i can be a rockstar at, that allows me to save up and pay off my stupid student loans so i am able to stay at home. i want more babies. i want date nights and evenings with intelligent conversation, great sex and cuddles. i want a man that is strong enough to lead my boys and love them like his own. To take them camping and fishing and shopping and to bookstores and dinners and teach them how to talk to girls. i want the dream. i don’t want to settle for shit.

when does this happen, how long does it take. how much faith do i have to show? how can i continue to hurt and pray and wait and plead – for nothing. where are you God?

thought:s

i am sick of sleeping alone
praying for someone to fill the space between the sheets and sunrise.
i am sick of hearing “in due time” or
“the right person is out there!”
where? where the fuck are you?
did you fall down, get lost, forget about me?
i am aching to be your wife, for “honey im home”
for arguments about the kids and make up sex
for dinner dates and sunday morning snuggles
im scared it will never happen
i am not desperate
i am without my pair.

almost 2am

“I stay up
until 2 am
because
it as at this time
I can use the lateness
as an excuse
to say terribly emotional things
and get away with saying them.
Let me tell you
a secret:
I am constantly
thinking of these things
that I say to you
at 2 am.”
— 2 am means freedom. (via youmakemewannabebrave)

memory:s

i never thought that the memories I made with someone were a big deal, even after becoming a mother. I now regret giving some of my space to those unworthy to hold it. it makes me feel anxious.

“Be careful who you make memories with. Those things can last a lifetime.”
— Ugo Eze

the air will come

I needed to hear this today.

“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.”
— Daniell Koepke

Poopy

Five reasons I, today have poopy pants:

1.  The kids are driving me crazy. School is 2 weeks away, they are bored. I am bored. It is 115 degrees outside at 9am.

2.  The Amazon purchase I was so looking forward to was wrong. My fault not theirs. Still a huge bummer.

3.  I have had a migraine for a week.

4.  I am stir-crazy like a squirrel stuck under a deck. There is no where to go in the hot hot town.

5.  I miss 84025, my friends there, the things to be doing that I would be doing, the 85 degree weather and the mountains.

 

Thank you for letting me vent.

**smiles**

Reflectional?

The funny thing about a mirror is that is shows you what is projected in front of it. 

Not the truth.

Not what is real.

Only what is placed before it. 

A lie painted to be seen as the truth will be seen in reflection to be true.

If a mirror can be fooled, which is only glass masked ….

Then what is used to see truth?


scared

I am scared. To move on. Scared to be an adult, to take care of myself, to embrace the realty that I am a single mom, scared that the stupid fool who I wasted 13 years on and had two children with I may still love in a no-good-self-destructive-kind-of-way. (Amy I know, please do not yell at me) I am scared to move out of Oklahoma. I am scared to stay in Oklahoma. I am scared of being alone, which I am. I am scared that nothing else will be but what is right now.

I want to be a power-single-mom, a super-mom, a champion-soccer-mom… but right now I feel like, not that.

 

 

*”…I don’t go to church because the line long”

Two friends of mine announced via Facebook that they had each lost a close friend today, each no relation to the other but both in car accidents.

Which got me thinking, these two individuals both died around the same time, and I am sure that others in this world lost someone around that same time too. So is there a line when you get to Heaven? Is there this flow of people who just keepflowing, standing waiting and asking each other “what are you in for?” Or is the omnipresent Christ just there to lead you home, hand-in-hand walking with you, holding you and welcoming you home.

I think it’s the latter, “welcome home my child, well done!”

Lord, remind me of how short my time on earth is. That this life is not my home. Pray for the families and friends so they can embrace your peace and love in this time.

 

* Lyrics from “That Ain’t Me” by Lil Wayne featuring Jay Sean from the album “I Am Not A Human Being”.

♬ Music Provides a Path ♪

I began playing music at a very young age, first piano then violin and finally landed on the flute at 6. I hated practicing, I just wanted to be able to pick it up and release the magic inside my head. I competed in competitions and only by the sheer will of my teacher Mrs. Nancy Toone I kept up with it after I discovered boys. Also, I secretly wanted to be better than Jamie Prince who was a violin genius and lived next door. I think music has always been apart of my soul. I feel the closest to God when I am playing, singing, listening or around music. I feel and gain the most inspired my music; David Crowder, Flyleaf, and Sade speak volumes to me, seriously they changed my life. On the flip side, Lil Wayne and Tupac have made a soundtrack to another part of my life, one that drives me to move farther, harder and never give in.

I can’t sing a note. I can still play music if you do not expect grandeur. Tanner and Chandler will be picking a form of music to incorporate into their lives this fall and I can not wait to share with them my love for this 6th sense. Tanner already has a love for music, we’ll sing Johnny Cash and Michael Jackson, Lil Wayne (relax, it’s the clean versions) Da, Da, Da, Fleetwood Mac… so many more.

Also, I have to say nothing beats a record, yes, a real record older the better. The old ones crack and pop with every turn. I love putting on records on my vintage player on rainy days and listen to vintage and antique records with a great book, a comfy chair and either a warm blanket or a warm dog.

What are your top ten artists/songs??    ♪♬♩   How do you enjoy those artists???

My List:

10. Sade – Cherish the Day

9.  Reliant K

8.  Citizen Cope

7.  Flyleaf

6.  Billie Holiday

5.  U2 – Joshua Tree Album

4.  Howie Day

3.  Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi Soundtrack

2.  Lil Wayne

1.  David Crowder Band

So…

I have been absent from this site from some time partly because I hated the world and all who live in it, and partly because my worldly  hatred caused me to write things that only Debbie Downer would enjoy.  Not saying that all that has changed, but I now only have a small hatred for the world and some of its inhabitants, but I have gained a much bigger love for where I am being asked to grow. (you know, bloom where planted)

Here’s where I, we, us are:

We are living at my parents as the University was not too pleased at me living under the radar in student housing considering I graduated in December, so we vacated our grand apartment and moved into a 2 story brick with a pool. I admit, at first I was so bitter that lemons and limes looked like gumdrops. Now I have let go a little and realized that we are here for a reason, I hate not being able to do my own thing and wander like I want, eat after 10pm and sit with my doggie watching House Hunters INternational. BUT… I have lost 10 lbs, go to bed at 10pm instead of 4am and the pool is nice.

On the job front, I have applied everywhere from Target to The Richards Group and not had much luck (although I did meet with The Richards Group and loved it, although they did not love me as much as I did them). I want to work like nobodies bidness and think I am a catch in the work world, plus, that whole degree thing I now have. (ta daaaaa) I have passion and heart and grace and humbleness so I know it is just around the corner.

Dating. Hmmm, well that is a void, but I have hopes that a perfect man is being molded just for me. I have placed an order, but it seems to be taking longer than anticipated. I’ll wait.

So… there’s your update on us, me, I.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed getting here.

red fingernails & peep toe heels

nothing is more me than painted finger nails

with a red that mirrors the beat of my heart –

you know that one you ignore.

I paint my figernails red, like wearing my heart on

my sleeve, but those red fingernails, the ones you held on to and let caress you…

wont be caressing you anymore.

and those peep toe heels, well

those are for me. becuase with them on,

I will walk away with more style and class than you were ever able to pass.

red fingernails and peep toe heels.

fate and her front gate

i hate you. no really i do. its like the worst feeling trying to love you.

you claim, this love for me is true, well i got news for you boo… that aint true.

fussing and fighting is more common in this house than love and trust. something i say

i must.

never once did i step out on you, lie to you bring home pain to you. well maybe that one time…

but. no that was not a lie or mistrust that was me taking care of us.

no i know you lied and cheated, made plans then retreated, made us wait while you completed –

your plans.

2 kids, 11 years, uncountable tears and for what? nothing. nope nothing. I am left with the choice to stay,

oh, ya huh it is a choice to stay raise two boys into loving men. Men will not raise a hand like you did, raise a voice

like you do, stick when it is slippery and love when there is nothing but hate.

so fuck fate, i am walking out on that bitch, and closing that gate –

behind me. you are behind me.