i’m not going to count on you

a wise lady gave me a great piece of advice a long while ago… that “people will let you down, but you can count on God – so you pray for them to be blessed so that they can be the blessing you need from them.” it’s not an easy concept and one that i often forget, though today i was reminded. sometimes i place too much on others and forget to allow God to work laterally for me.



the last couple of days have felt much like i’m in a prison; not a “i snapped and ran over a school bus” prison. no, more like Martha Stewart kind of prison. i have food, shelter and healthcare, but, it’s also bat shit crazy.

i wonder if I will ever make it out if the “Labyrinth”.

something is missing. well, many things; i hope to one day find them.

the air will come

I needed to hear this today.

“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.”
— Daniell Koepke

*”…I don’t go to church because the line long”

Two friends of mine announced via Facebook that they had each lost a close friend today, each no relation to the other but both in car accidents.

Which got me thinking, these two individuals both died around the same time, and I am sure that others in this world lost someone around that same time too. So is there a line when you get to Heaven? Is there this flow of people who just keepflowing, standing waiting and asking each other “what are you in for?” Or is the omnipresent Christ just there to lead you home, hand-in-hand walking with you, holding you and welcoming you home.

I think it’s the latter, “welcome home my child, well done!”

Lord, remind me of how short my time on earth is. That this life is not my home. Pray for the families and friends so they can embrace your peace and love in this time.


* Lyrics from “That Ain’t Me” by Lil Wayne featuring Jay Sean from the album “I Am Not A Human Being”.


catching up with Danielle and her medical writing genius i linked to Carmen’s Story which not only brought tears rushing to my eyes but it reminded me that in the things that i do everyday, my “normal” is very normal. I have two very healthy children, my health and the ability to know that they will be here on earth normal for as long as normal is.

I was inspired by the mother of this little girl and her older sister who not only loved Carmen dearly but loved that she would be in Heaven “running” and “free”.

Please take 10 mins. (or more its worth it, trust me!)  to read about Carmen. Her healing was not in this world but to heal the hearts of those here and bring them closer to God. Amazing story!

“How Great Thou Art”

♬ Music Provides a Path ♪

I began playing music at a very young age, first piano then violin and finally landed on the flute at 6. I hated practicing, I just wanted to be able to pick it up and release the magic inside my head. I competed in competitions and only by the sheer will of my teacher Mrs. Nancy Toone I kept up with it after I discovered boys. Also, I secretly wanted to be better than Jamie Prince who was a violin genius and lived next door. I think music has always been apart of my soul. I feel the closest to God when I am playing, singing, listening or around music. I feel and gain the most inspired my music; David Crowder, Flyleaf, and Sade speak volumes to me, seriously they changed my life. On the flip side, Lil Wayne and Tupac have made a soundtrack to another part of my life, one that drives me to move farther, harder and never give in.

I can’t sing a note. I can still play music if you do not expect grandeur. Tanner and Chandler will be picking a form of music to incorporate into their lives this fall and I can not wait to share with them my love for this 6th sense. Tanner already has a love for music, we’ll sing Johnny Cash and Michael Jackson, Lil Wayne (relax, it’s the clean versions) Da, Da, Da, Fleetwood Mac… so many more.

Also, I have to say nothing beats a record, yes, a real record older the better. The old ones crack and pop with every turn. I love putting on records on my vintage player on rainy days and listen to vintage and antique records with a great book, a comfy chair and either a warm blanket or a warm dog.

What are your top ten artists/songs??    ♪♬♩   How do you enjoy those artists???

My List:

10. Sade – Cherish the Day

9.  Reliant K

8.  Citizen Cope

7.  Flyleaf

6.  Billie Holiday

5.  U2 – Joshua Tree Album

4.  Howie Day

3.  Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi Soundtrack

2.  Lil Wayne

1.  David Crowder Band

SMS davidcrowderband

This song sings to me.

(Verse 1)
Send me a sign
A hint, O whisper
Fill me with life
‘Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me the light
‘Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels’ wings

(Chorus 1)
Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that’s overcome?

(Verse 2)
You sent a sign
The hint, O whisper
Human, divine
Everyone is listening

Death laid low
Quiet in the night is stirring

All around the rush of angels

O the wonder of the greatest love has come

(Chorus 2)
Shine Your light so all can see it
Lifted up, ’cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome, He has overcome

** I would appreciate any and all prayers as I continue in my job search – That God will provide the means, the       job I can be me in and my heart to be open to his blessings!

– Thank you!!

⚠ Error: Please Check Connections

Reading through blogs this morning I came across the blog of a woman whose influence and voice had a very strong presence during my formative years growing up. To this day I can still her voice and see he influence in my life. Judy Hansen has a gift, not only for creating beautiful surroundings but for creating beautiful, heartfelt and uplifting praise. I could go on about the many times she spoke into my life, but I will allow her words to touch you in their one way.

She blogged about reconnection with “spirit”, something I know much about. David Crowder sings in “Obsession” :

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin

And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And i’m so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
You know i’m stubborn, Lord, and i’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And i feel lonely without hope
And i feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

It is these words that I come back to all the time to reconnect me with a God that is constantly trying to reconnect with me. Jesus took time to reconnect with God, Matt 14:23 says “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,” I know I have taken many meetings with God in closets, my car while driving out in the middle-of-nowhere, bath tubs, and other places that are similar to these.


We all lose connection with the one who created us to connect, not only with Him but with those around us. Whether we wake up on the wrong side of the clock, or just have a frustrating day, or even get some bad news, and sometimes its the good things that disconnect us like a busy job, blessing of too much and a handful of things to do we lose connection and need to replug in that connection to see and hear what God is trying to do and say in our lives.

How do you reconnect!???

dont they know…

dont they know we are trying to save the earth?

dont they know that trash on the ground is gross?

dont they know that ‘Halo’ is scary and should not be played by kids?

dont they know that growing up is happening, fast?

dont they know killing people is bad?

dont they know that you have to look both ways?

dont they know that God loves them?

All these questions were asked by my kids tonight at dinner. ALL of them.

In Ethics today while discussing ‘sexuality’ (not just the hetero.homosexual debate but singel moms, single dads, sex with others inside a marraige that is sexuality my people) and what role Christians and the church has in the fight to embrace this topic, questions came up, the same ones; Just in different form.

The environment is fading, and those God placed into government is not taking action.

People are disrepectful.

People dont care.

Murder, rape, drugs, violence are all choices. Responsibility is as well.

Kids grow up to fast because kids are given the right to play ‘HALO” and ‘Grand Theft Auto’ while their parents argue and drink and work and pretend that its ok becuase hell, they play too.

Leaders are making it ok to kill, cheat, buy ‘Hummers’, have mistresses and all in the name of THE AMERICAN DREAM and the right to ‘pursue happiness’.

They serve in the ‘inner city’ and make belive that the white man understands what goes on behind closed doors. When really they have no idea how real life is for those kids in the inner city. Its not a game its not a movie. Its a dark, nightmare that never ever stops.

White men have big houses and expensive cars with white leather and GPS’s, that is status. When the neighbors come over for wine and cheese and discussion about the economy and the absence of that summer trip to the coast, that is their hardship. They interprete inner city gang wars as ridiculous, and ran by ignorant minorities that raise their taxes. They dont see the 3 yr old little boy that is not learning his letters or his numbers, but learning his colors, the ones his mommy wears and only wears because her boyfirend is a member of a certain gang. They dont see they 10 yr old boy who goes over hand signals with his dad because he will one day soon be called upon to prresent the ‘hood’ just like his dad did at his son’s age. The run or be run over, attitude, and the ones who get out are the outliers.

The white kids have bee-mers and lexus SUV’s, they have high school parties in the woods and pretend that the parents who fuel the liquer are being thier friends. Parents are protecting them from what they would do anyway, this way its “safe.” The white kids bring water bottles to school filled with vodka, take their parents pills and have mix parties, get high off the medicine cabinet and call it legal. Have rampid sex because Paris Hilton and the Kardasians do and they are beautiful and famous, then on sunday they go to church with their parents and  at lunch afterward bitch about the pregant black girl waiting on them that is a little slow because she’s pregant and has been up all night working her three jobs to pay for her kids.

The white kids make fun of the overwieght girl and tease her relentlessly to the point where she kills herself by not eating, and then when she loses the weight become her best friend. Big surprise, my kids are not that way you say, YOU’RE A FOOL.

I can almost gaurentee that your daughter has chatted online with older men, had sex, emailed naked pics of herself and given oral sex to at least one boy. You are kidding yourself if your think your child is innocent. They can’t be. They cant remove thenself from anything beause then they are the enemy, the goody-goody, the prude and the one who could jeopardize the whole thing if she were to step outside the ring of fire and get caught, she would ruin the rests fun. So she stays and burns up in the process, all the while making you believe she is perfect and would never partake in the poison; she is perfect, perfect at hiding, and you couldnt be happier.


When are you, me, them going to wake the **** up and do something, be something other than afraid of people and start being Christians. Go into that lions den and fire and let Christ embrace the danger and allow his love to be seen by those around us. I am not saying to put on your white armour and stand in the middle of Oakland preaching, but what about educationg your kids, knowing your kids, letting them know you are there and are keeping tabs on them. BE PARENTS, not their friend and stand in the way of them every getting into that hell, and show them how to help others who are drowning. Get to know some families, your neighbors, break bread with them, share a afternoon with them, bring them to look for jobs, show them what Christ has in mind for them. BE SOMETHING other than the problem.

God’s Will at Capitol Hill

Tonight I had the pleasure of spending a class with the 4th and 5th graders of Capitol Hill Church of Christ, an inner (way inner) city mission church. I have to say my white bread, spoon fed, silver platter view of my bubble was challenged. I have seen the “ghetto” and even been quite comfortable with those inside it (my kids father lives there) but I had not seen the inner city as anything different from the ghetto. It is. Here’s why…

three out of the 7 kids asked for prayers for death, “bad things” parents were doing and loss. One girl came in with fresh tears, later I found out she had gotten in trouble in school for asking a boy to sleep with her (she’s nine) and she said her mother “beat her up”, she had marks on her arms and legs, and a red scrape on her face. She spent the class with the female teacher talking, begging her not to call CPS on her mother because she hated foster care. A boy I talked with said that he was trying to get his dad to stops doing bad things, he kept asking me to color with him, he wanted to talk and watch me color.

WTF is up with parents?? I mean, I have lost my tempter and yelled too loudly, spanked the toosh, been a insensitive parent while hearing the story of the wierd kid in school for the 5th time, oh yeah and had those days where I feel like a complete douche bag parent! BUT… I have never beaten my children.

So again, WTF is up with parents? I know the economy, no jobs, feeding the family and deadbeats to deal with but, i was just broken for these little hearts that are SCREAMING and literary jumping up and down and doing cartwheels for someone to just sit down with them and be interested in their voice.

MY HEART IS SCREAMING for these kids and at the same time I am so totally freaked out and scared of these kids. Scared about their germs, their unkept clothing, their parents who lash out at the world and teachers, worried that their primary school gangs are going to run after me, scared that they will get my attention and call me for everything they need, worried that I might actually fall into their hell and not be able to get out without turning it into something resembling life.

These kids need something more than a prayer and a bible story. They need a friend, stability, balance, understanding, ears that listen to them, a soft place to land, a blank page to vent out all the BS they deal with daily! Then and ONLY then are they going to be able to hear that bible story you are pushing. Because to them, God is absent, he is a fable, a myth, a hope for and a never seen, God is something that is mentioned when a mom yells or a dad stumbles into the table after being drunk all day, God is not a savior, that 15 yr old kid that offers them a 500 dollar bonus for selling the bag of rocks he has and another 1000 when he sells two more – that is his savior because he can feed their family and turn the lights back on and get their moms next drink so she will wake up and act like a mom for a couple of hours. THAT is THEIR CLASS.

So now what? All these ideas are running though my mind. Run in there and save the day, bring the passion from my side of the tracks to theirs, show them God, show them God? What God, the one that allows me a college education with a price tag of 100k, or the God that kept me from being engulfed in the gang lifestyle and the God that delivered me from a promiscuous life, that let me live when others are dying of addiction? That is not their God.  I want to go into that classroom and change everything, bring videos and media and songs and worship. I want to meet with directors and suggest tons of things. Nope. Just love. Not force, just love.

What are your thought?? Be honest!

Letter to Those Left Behind…

DEAR my babies, friends, family, relatives, acquaintances,  distant companions, lovers, and loved ones….

first do not fear for the walk was short, the breeze was kind and the way well lit

i know you must be wondering what heaven is like, i was too and i can’t even create the words to speak

Jesus is here, he met me at the door took me in his arms and said “welcome home”

there were no clouds that lead my feet but light that followed us as if it was commanded to do so

the most glorious sounds not from the mouth of angels but the hearts of saints welcoming me back

and praising the King who leads

me into the house, you know that big big house with a “big big yard were we can play football”

oh how i wish you were here, but then i guess you would not be there. and oh, there, how is it there? I almost forgot about ‘there’ i miss them,those little boys that you gave, i miss you and that gentle hand as it squeezes mine and as i look up i see

see him, i see him, God. His arms that are larger than anything I have ever seen, yet small enough to hold my hand, and in his hand, and around me. Oh what a glorious gift this is, this is Love and this is Grace.

i say to God, I miss them, there love and hands, and that little noise they make when they snuggle up against me that smell from there freshly washed hair, the way they run to me when I came home, hearing about their day, sharing their tears, the loud arguments and the whining, can i see them smile, or walk down the isle, give me peace about being in this place with you

please forgive my doubt, my sadness and my fear

can i fear here?

can i hurt?

i am so confused God.

then God said, “Peace my child, let me hold you and wipe your tears, hold you close and let you cry into my hand”

and then he said this “Be Still”

and just as my heart was about to explode with pain from missing you more than i could ever say, i blinked.

“MOMMY. MOMMY!!! i’m home” and i opened my eyes to see you running towards me hand in hand with Jesus and the other arm open as far as the sea.

‘welcome home i said’

Welcome Home…

so do not fear, do not hurt, do not worry, climb into His lap and cry into his hand for i blink and we will be together again.


Never Losing Hope

After just watching He’s Just Not That Into You which may be my new favorite movie, I have come across a memory of mine.

1995, the year of transitions, I was on the JV Tennis team (which forced 50 lbs from my butt), Dancing like a queen, had become friends with some of the “popular” girls and was having a blast, oh and I had met and befriended a boy. Yes, that’s right Stacey Alaynna Root had found herself a friend boy, not  a boyfriend  but friend boy.

We will call him Ryan Fess, tall tanned and handsome he was, on the baseball team of the rival school, and a year older which meant he drove!!! We actually started hanging out because a friend of mine had a crush on him and I was her, shall we say Cyrano and go-between. Don’t act like you don’t know what that entailed girls, you were either one or had one. If you are playing dumb this was the gig: Call and  ask for him (called ID negative), talk to him while gaining valuable info to relay to Cyrano, get the details of how he really felt about Cyrano and most important never let him know that you are playing a game with his answers.

So me and Ryan talked and hung out, secondarily because my mother drove a brand new red mustang convertible with a white top, this was the first year they came out with the new body style and Ryan was all over it.  So we talked about cars, baseball, my friends that liked him and I would relay the info. Well here comes the brutal and totally girl thing that I did, yes I admit guilt.  Me, Ryan and we will call her lara got to hanging out because she lived in the same neighborhood as Cyrano, well Lara and Ryan started becoming lip buddies and found themselves making out and pretending to be involved. So we all hung out, Ryan, Lara and I and eventually Ryan and I started dating, I mean actually dating, well we made out too.

Ryan was the first boy I kissed, flirted with, actually thought of as my boyfriend. He called me his girlfriend, his parents liked me. We went to the theatre with my family, I hung out with his friends, he taught me how to drive a manual shift, oh yeah and I lost a friend because I stole her crush. I still feel badly about that. Although, I still think of this relationship as the first glimpse I had of growing up.

I mention this story to come back to the movie, when I least focused on Ryan he was there. When I didn’t need him, he wanted me. When I left Utah for Oklahoma I needed him and he forgot about me. Nope, don’t grab the Kleenex, I found myself in that relationship, I found hope in remembering that relationship, it reminds me that I do not need to search for a man but for myself and let God bring us together.

I promise you it is so hard some days when I get to be the mother, father, doctor, cook, maid and laundry lady. I mean some days I would love to crawl into bed and have arms there to hold me, I find myself asking “was the last time I had sex going to be the last time I had sex” and “am I done having babies, will I ever get to experience a spouse, or am I just going to be a mother and never a wife, woman, bride, will my boys never get to know what life is like with 2 parents, or a backyard, vacations, a home of their own?” I mean I have NEVER been on a date since 1996.

These are such great divides, I think I could build a grand canyon on my questions. I am really trying to make an effort to push those away and be STILL. I prayed and prayed for this apt. that we are in today. For an escape, freedom and my own life. It took years, but we are here and I feel so blessed to have what we have. That I know the plans God has for me, are good and consistent with my hearts desires.

I tell this story becuase I know there are women that daily settle for less than Gods best just to have a warm body next to them at night. So I pray that you allow God’s love to keep that dream alive and that place ready for the man he created for you. Plus, I may not have a man to hold me at night, or a sexual relationship anymore, but I do have the confidence that I can shed those strongholds and let that be a gift I give my husband, I am no longer giving away pieces of me to men who drop them but am keeping myself ready to give my husband all of my heart, not one that looks like Swiss cheese.

I have my little babies to hold at night, and they are the best snugglers in the world. We have God holding us.

i walk the line…

So my heart has been preparing for this post for some time now. I am not sure if I am ready but I know it needs to be said. Hold on, here goes nothing…

ME =  bipolar. 

I have been trying to write about this silly little word for so long that it has become bigger than it really is. Funny how one word can hold you captive for so long. 

1 Cor. 10:5 – take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Knowing that Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy I am making myself take captive to each an every thought turning into the TRUTH that is Christ. That am His creation, made in God’s perfect image and nothing can be bigger or stronger than He is.

I am His. I am broken. But He is directing me. I need only be still and know that HE IS GOD.

between truth and contradictions

Christains contradict all the time, they are notorious for doing so and when asked why more people are not religious or believers in God – the same answer; hypocritical contradictions…

  • they will give money over time
  • they will give money to support benevolence within the church but hand it out only in return for conversion
  • men who belittle their family but always on time for bible study
  • offer friendship to the rich man down the street but speak shame while avoiding the prostitute he see on the way to work
  • the dad that speaks kind words to everyone but his kids then shakes the preachers hand every sunday with pride
  • the moms group that will not let the single mom into the nest because she is a sinner
  • the atheist who works 2 jobs so that he can feed homeless families on the weekends, while the Christian man won’t give a dime of his money that he works too hard to bring in. 
  • wont get to know the new girl because she is the heathen that goes the mega church, that uses instruments and claps in church. Or, the boy that doesn’t fit in because he believes that traditional worship is the way to please God. 

I could go on and on. The fact is that we all know, have had, been in, and heard of these situations. They are not old, in the past or resolved. We are guilty of them daily. Myself included. What are you providing as fuel for those who reject knowing Christ because they know that your heart says and does different things. 

I grew up in Salt Lake City, and something I respect greatly about my friends there is the idea that “we are the example of who Christ is.” No longer do I attend the LDS church but I have a deep connection and love for my mormon friends. Never did I feel out of place, always was invited, if I was hungry or thirsty they fed me, if i was alone they supported me; it is a constant outpour of compassion, regardless what congregation i sat in or sit in today. 

When did being a Christ follower become a secret society with elite members and secret handshakes to be admitted? When did the idea that Christ is so high that he can not be reached without a test and a skilled assessment? No wonder people today reject the idea of salvation and the cross, it has so many road blocks people who are beaten and broken seeking love and acceptance do not have the strength to finish. 

Take the time to embrace life. Embrace and listen to each other without scorn or judgement. Even if everything within you says to tune it out because the agenda you have created does not include the cashier from Target who is using everything she can to not cry when your ask her how her day is. Every second of our lives has a purpose. Every contact, meeting, greeting and accident is there for a purpose. Use it. Open you heart and mind to the truth of love, His love. 

so here are the truths:


  • i am a failure.
  • i am a sinner.
  • i need a savior.
  • some days it is all i can do to not just jump the edge and let it be over.
  • i am surrounded by people, as if i am in the middle and they are forming a circle around me, i still feel alone and empty 98% of the time.
  • i am too afraid to let God in.
  • i have no relationship with my dad, therefore i look at my Father with daddy goggles and the image is always cracked, broken and painful to see. 
  • i think if my parents would have noticed who i was as a child i would not be the affection needing freak i am today
  • i will always take every opportunity to teach my boys about the world, culture, life and love with open ears to hear their response to it. 
  • i fear that i will never marry, my mother seems to think it is because her perfect daughter was once a size 2 and now she is only the reflection of her biggest fear – weight.
  • i am happy in my skin.
  • some days i wish i could run and not stop, maybe i would end up somewhere i would not have to be me
  • i feel tapped most of the time.
  • i wish i was told i was worth the wait as a young girl, maybe then i would have waited to become a young woman.
  • I fear that the boys childhood will be empty because i can not provide as well as i was given as a child
  • i am overly funny and sarcastic because i fear i am underly exciting and worth listening to.
  • my dad has tracked every dollar i have been given since the age of 16 – that hurts more than anything
  • i seriously doubt that God gives a rip about me, most of the time i act like a good Christian because its better than being a contradictive, liar.
  • i live for the brief moments when i feel Christ breathing for me, but just like a breath it last only a second, then the doubt returns and my heart is empty. 
  • I love my boys with all my heart and they were the best surprise of my life!


I was reminded last night/today that I have been blessed with wild, unpredictable, free spirited and genuinely kind and loving kids. With that comes unpredictablity, wild and zany times. Tanner is the most caring, supportive, and loyal child in the world. Chandler, whew, is wild, unpredictable, loud, creative and all over the place all the time. 

BUT, I would never, ever change them or change what they do on a daily bases. 

I need to change the way I am parenting. I need to seek opportunity to be better and more aware of what the wild man is doing. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes to their need. Thank you for using this small wonder to create a big shift in my heart. I can do better than this. We as a family will be better because of this.

eHarmony v. HE*harmony?

Me:(while driving and talking with amy)

I have really just had it, couples in the store shopping for your Son’s b-day (x-mas people) and lovie-dovie… I am still single after *blank* years, all right 10 years, 2 children, crappy relationship, separation, dead beat baby daddy, broken heart, change, saved, hopin’ wishin’ prayin’, I am STILL alone! And BTW I am really sick of hearing, your time is coming, there is someone out there, in God’s time (no offense) if you lost the weight (my mother says daily) after graduation, when your settled and someday! I want to date, a want to be cared for, looked after, loved, appreciated, a real baby daddy for the boys a Father, a best friend and a lover. I want what everyone else has! I am tired of pretending that I am ok by myself!

Bottom Line: What the and when the and why don’t I have the, whats wrong with me and whats up with you? I am mad at you God for knowing my deepest hearts desire and leaving it empty. And yes, I am being selfish and thinking only of me but jimminey christmas I have had enough of this doing it by myself thing, and handling the crap alone, relying on my parents and having no backup, no teamwork and no support. I am hurt and wondering if it may never happen, left thinking is this it? Will I never have more children, will I never walk down the eisle, will I never get to be Mrs. Somebody? 


I am sure that God has not forgotten us (she is single to, although the young age of 21 v. my 28. See my piont) We are hot women with alot going for us. Surely this is not it!


I guess, I will call you later. 


When I went to pick up the boys from Konnect I picked up Chandler first and then we go into the BIG room to sing with Tanner and hear about whats going on. As the closing annoucements came on they showed the video that reminded the kids to pray for thier FUTURE SPOUSE, ummm well first of all these kids are like 8-11 and my first thought was young hello.

But then God WHISPERED so sweetly LISTEN to ME, pray for him! My heart was touched in such a awesome way. I knew he was speaking to me. I knew he had heard my rant and was reassuring me. 

This week he has used little things after that BIG thing in Konnect to show me he has not forgotten. I still am not 100% sure that my heart has been transformed by this little, uh shall me say tantrum. But I have a renewed reminder that each time I feel this way (like 75% of the day) I am reminded to pray for HIM, and trust me it is a really hard thing to do. To pray, wait and be patience. I fight the urge to just say “eHarmony” but instead I am saying HE*harmony

So What You Say: If you read this and are thinking, “I just had the convo with myself (or GOD)”   PRAY, PRAY your GUTS out! Pray for HIS safety, for HIS purity, for HIS heart, for HIS relationship with GOD!

I won’t promise that the relationship with happen, truth, it may not. BUT your relationship with GOD will!

share your relationship waiting here and let me pray with you!!


This week has been a whirlwind, a ever racing flood of chaos, projects, missed assignments and forgotten meetings. To say the least I have been one step behind all week. With the boys it seems like they have been over-active, argumentitive, and frustrating. 

I say all this to bring you to where I am trying to be. In the arms of the one who never lets me go, is constantly holding me through it all.

I have forgotten to worship!

I forgotten to lose myself within His breath.

My favorite way to worship is to drive. Drive out in the middle of everything, the fresh air, the smell of grass and leaves, the roads where no one drives. I roll down all the windows, put on David Crowder, Shane & Shane, and other favs. Turn up the volume as loud as I can and just exhale. The pure joy of hearing the words, the music and feeling the air between my hair brings me to a place so warm and whole that I get lost in time and space. I feel Christ with me and hear him leading me. I worship

How do you worship? Not meaning sitting in a church, or singing along with the choir but within day to day life? How you worship outside the walls of church?

The Dust of Christ’s Sandals

Tonight after a long textversation with a very close friend from my past I could not help but thinking that I was missing out on something. I wanted to go back to that time when he and I were closer and maybe in love, in ignorance and in sin. We were friends, lovers and drama specialists. Tonight after talking with him about being friends without the drama, love, and loving he rejected that thought and told me that he could not do that. 

So I thought, the past is the past for a reason. So why do we keep looking back? Why do we not let the dust settle from the sandals to which Christ kicks up when we walk with Him? Because within that dust is all the heartbreak, falseness, sin and pain to which we left behind and joined with the only one could wash it away. We keep shifting through and looking for something left behind. 

Tonight my heart breaks; out of love, sorrow, regret? Maybe. But my heart truely breaks for my impatience in God. My sorrow and loneliness from fighting a war on my own. When it gets to be a bigger burden than I thought; with the added weight of being a single mother, a full time student, a fighter of bipolar disorder and an unmarried woman. Sometimes I think that that dust from the past is better than the soil which may or may not be in the future. 

Tonight I pray that I have courage to stop looking back in the dust. Remind myself that the war is being fought for me and all I have to do is remember who’s on my side. 



christian campus = UnChristian

As some of you may know I am attending a Christian university which has its base in Churches of Christ. I was sceptical being that I am from a mormon-to-christian-to-Evangelical christian-to-Christ follower. Being that I am a heathen arms raised in worship and clapping in church-goer, I found it very difficult to connect with those whom I attended class with (plus they’re 5 years younger than I am and have no children, at least without being married.) Anyhoo, I took the approach that if i showed that entire class that my belief and understanding were correct, that they were missing something and therefore I had more Jesus than they did. 


I was wrong. This semester I let it go. Do I still have my “understandings,” well yes I do. But I also know that the relationship with those around me is more important than the way to which they serve. I have come to realize that we may disagree on the way in which we do things but the Jesus that breaths within me and them is the same Jesus that died for us all. And although it may be cliche, being a Christian on a Christian campus means being Christ to those I meet. Support the calling to which he whispered to me and embracing the fact that we all need relationships, the second we stop looking at the differences within our church walls we will see the similarity of the God that loves us all.

Is Sin Relational?

Sitting in class today discussing the idea that sin is not behaioral issue but a realtionsional issue. We know that sin separates us from our relationship with God, so when we lie to our spouse or our parent is it not the same? The separation is the same. It causes a break in the closeness to another person. 

I have not been writing for some time, not that inspiration as not striked but that my heart has not had the heart to write it down. So I welcome you back to this site and to my heart. 

Back to sinning. When you sin and you repent ask forgivness and move forward how are you mending the relstionship to which you broke. How do you spend time within yourself to mend that break within your own heart. Sin is crazy and it can creep up on you even before you know that you are doing it. 

We are created to be relational beings, seek out relationships and others. We meant to be doing life together. Going through pains and inflictions good times and bad. Sin is the opposite of purpose and intention. Are you being intentional about rejecting sin? 

I am curious?

Here are my Ninja-Like Skills

First the definition of a ninja as I am using it is some one behind the scenes that carefully measures every detail and may never be seen but always leaves something behind. What are you

Little known Facts about the ninja me:


  • I love to clean (yes I have even been given cleaning products as gifts)
  • I love to organize, it is fun!
  • Sometimes I let loose and don’t clean for days (gasp!)
  • I Iron my sheets and pillow cases
Facts about the Person me:
  • I dream BIG!
  • I start projects and abandon them when it doesn’t go my way, then pick them back up a month later and like fireworks, bang sparkle pow! They are magic!
  • I give up to easy
  • I have doubts in myself as a tool for Christ
  • I have doubts in myself in the areas of my dreams
  • I am way to interested in what people think
Things My Ninja Master is teaching me
  • Patience
  • Acceptance
  • That I don’t need someone to accompany me to the bathroom (not everyone has to go at the same time)
RESPOND AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR FIT IS…and what you are going to do with it!


Dreamz Unlimited

So if you did not know who Shahrukh was today may I introduce Shahrukh Khan, the biggest star in the world today. What does this have to do with my dreams you ask, well other than the obvious (he is so hot) I would love to write scripts, novels, anything that will get me involved in this industry other than acting (I’m not as dramatic as I once was) I do enjoy the drama that Bollywood puts out, they have a knack for romance and love and taking something that Hollywood over does and mocks into a beautiful colorful and simple thing that comes across as magic with songs and dancing. 

As I was speaking yesterday on validation, up until recently I wanted validation from anyone that this would be a great and wonderful creative outlet for my writing, that it would be cool to be apart of this industry and more so that they understood why I love it so much. But today, I just want to immerse myself in it. I would love it as well if I could share Christ with those through my writing. I would love to be controversial and different and welcome for being so. But if no one understands I will still move toward reaching it. For I know the dreams where put inside me by the one who created me, and that is all the validation I need. 

Tomorrow my dreams to be a ninja! (muhaaaa) 

Do You Validate?

Lately I have been seeking out authentic relationships and learned that really I am seeking validation for the person to which God created me to be.

  • For instance, I LOVE Bollywood movies, more specifically anything with Shahrukh Khan. I love the way these films totally capture your interest and stir something that is real, a connection to which American films do not even attempt to do. You can fall into a film and remember everything about that film, they show emotion that is rare in Hollywood and have an authentic flare that is never seen in the US. They are colorful and musical and most of all the embrace love and feeling. Everything to which I also embrace, I am a true romantic and these films tell me it is OK to be so.
  • Also, I am fascinated with other cultures, fascinated to the point where I could spend all day learning about them and still not want to sleep just so I could read something else. I love seeing how different religions and cultures look at Christ, how they respect and know who he is without knowing Him.
  • I love writing and reading on interesting arguments and topics that strike a chord and at time anger and bring a light and fire into someones brain. I love intellectual conversation, even if I am not the one making the intelligent pionts. More often than not I am listening and hoping I don’t sound foolish.

In these qualities I am a lone thinker in my family, no one understands my love for Bollywood, or shares in my passion for ShahRukh Khan. They think it is silly and weird that I spend three hours listening and watching singing and dancing and love stories. I can’t discuss other cultures with those around me, no one shares the passion or knowledge so it is awkward. Intellectual discussion is not found but rather, removed from conversation and it turns to awkward silences and “how’s school, are you done yet?”

I am saying all this to mention that I have been looking in the wrong places, I have been looking for my desires and passions to be validated and accepted, embraced and challenged, interested in and loved as I love them.

In a conversation with my brother (who is always my voice of reason) he said “for someone to be interested in what you are saying you must first be someone who knows what you are talking about.” meaning that I have to be someone validated to be someone others come to for validation. If you still did not catch that, in it’s simplest form, I must be a educated, degreed and have made something of myself for others to come to for information. Well, I agree and disagree (mainly because I know it is true and yet I want to be looked at for more than I am right now).

I know that a degree is important and trust me I am working my tail off to get it. My brother also said that I have to play to game with my professors, when the passion inside me wants to argue my way to bank I have the hardest time playing the game all in the name of validation right. So in my quest to validation, where am I?

Throughout this week I will be talking about my dreams, not the ones when I am sleeping the ones the haunt me when I’m driving, or in class, or listening to Shahrukh, the real ones that one day will come true!

It’s a Twister

Being that it is “severe weather season” here in alley (something we are all very excited about truth be told) I thought that I would mention the storm that has been stirring in me lately. 

I have searching for authenticity. A storm that has been circling for a long time is about the touch down. I have been writing just not publishing, so for my faithful readers I apologize. I have been looking to those around me, some builders others work demolition to finance my way into happiness and security. Well I should have known that check would bounce. 

I am discontent with what I am contributing to life, my life, my kids life, my communities life. What to change, I want to change everything. I have so many ideas, plans, dreams, desires and most of all I want to be a partner with The only One who can make it happen. 

So I ask you this how do you find authentic relationships? Where do you find them, keep them? Do you seek them or have they found you? 

SHARE, its more fun!


Psst… are you one too?

my second secret:

I hate Christians. Yeah you heard what I said.

I have met so many that worship God with their heart but show that they are nowhere near knowing the love of Christ with the way they live their lives.

And here’s the bomb…


And, I hate that. I hate that in my heart the wings on which Christ lifts me up somehow fall short and forget how to fly the second I leave church. My finances, my attitude, my concerns and the place in which my treasure resides all changes. Yet, I mock those who do the same calling them weird and hypocritical when I am the true hypocrite.

These days of revelation come as I am searching my own heart for the path to which God calls me, the way in which I treat those around me and the shoes to which I aim to walk a mile in. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that you are the problem you are complaining about. Be the solution, Be Christ to those who do not know him and Love like its the only way to breathe.