i don’t like sweaters
they are fake.
wrap me in your arms
and let me fade away.
i don’t like sweaters
i don’t like sweaters
they are fake.
wrap me in your arms
and let me fade away.
be careful when staring to long at the stars. for if you should happen to see one fall,
it will burn your eye.
the last couple of days have felt much like i’m in a prison; not a “i snapped and ran over a school bus” prison. no, more like Martha Stewart kind of prison. i have food, shelter and healthcare, but, it’s also bat shit crazy.
i wonder if I will ever make it out if the “Labyrinth”.
something is missing. well, many things; i hope to one day find them.
i could easily freak out right now… i still don’t have a job since leaving Chicago, or a car, or money to pay bills. BUT… i do have a roof over my head (covered in bat shit crazy) and my phone bill is paid at least for the next couple of weeks and i have enough meds to keep me sane for the next 30 days. so, yeah, i’m good.
i’ve earned a handsome gentlemen with more sense than fear, more money than dreams, more love than lusts. i’ve earned a man that comes home to me and looks away when the younger option walks by. i’ve earned a man who looks at my children not “as his own” but as his own. who lets me take care of him, cook, clean, support and cheer him on. who in return honors and protects me, provides and uplifts me. i’ve earned a man.
i never thought that the memories I made with someone were a big deal, even after becoming a mother. I now regret giving some of my space to those unworthy to hold it. it makes me feel anxious.
“Be careful who you make memories with. Those things can last a lifetime.”
— Ugo Eze
i need some direction.
I needed to hear this today.
“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.”
— Daniell Koepke
“We teach females that in relationships, compromise is what women do. We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments— which I think can be a good thing— but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. If we have sons, we don’t mind knowing about our sons’ girlfriends, but our daughters boyfriends? ‘God forbid!’ But of course when the time is right, we expect those girls to bring back the perfect man to be their husband. We police girls, we praise girls for virginity, but we don’t praise boys for virginity. And it’s always made me wonder how exactly this is supposed to work out because *laughs* the loss of virginity is usually a process that involves *laughs*…
We teach girls shame. ‘Close your legs!’ ‘Cover yourself!’ We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so, girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up—and this is the worst thing we do to girls—they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an artform.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie,
I am in awe of the words.
spending the weekend with my little (well, younger brother he towers over me) i am reminded that he has taught me more about love and life than any other person i know. he is the most caring, generous and loving man – not just to those who show love to him, but also those whose love he will never see in return. he gives without expecting, shares his heart with strangers and is quick to lend a hand to anyone in need. he has been broken and hurt by compassion too many times yet he stands up to help those who’ve pushed him down every time.he has shown me the heart of Christ and challenged me to live closer to Him. he has asked me to seek to forgive those who depleted my soul, when i only could speak words against them.
he is my bestest friend. my Superman.
i dont know who i am, now that im not trying to get his attention.
its an odd feeling.
MDW to OKC, i touched down in the rain and immediately missed Chicago. i reminded myself that in 6 hours i would be holding my babies and therefore the rain and the muck would not matter. i retrieved my bag and met my mother, which for the first time in my life i felt awkward around. like i was missing something, like i was the misplaced person. it has been 3 months since i left Oklahoma. a heart full of dreams and hopes that Chicago may bring the change i was seeking. being back in Oklahoma with this new perspective, is like i’ve just had my eyes checked and given new sight.
the ride to my mother’s house consisted of me trying not to complain about the drive, the traffic and the dull mucky weather. so i lead with all the cool things i discovered in Chicago. the train, the sights, the museums, the music, the people, the river, the sound of the train, my doorman… anything to distract me from this feeling out not fitting in.
i assumed that things would be different, i prepared for that. i did not prepare for them to be the same. the same awkward moments between my family, this unspoken stranger-ish feeling to which i had not missed the last couple of months. the same anxious behavior my mother exhibits when my father comes home and she goes into “i-have-to-be-cleaning-something”. the same disinterestedness that possessed me to want to leave is still here. i did not prepare for that.
the surroundings, be it all familiar are not home to me. i feel displaced. i’m not sure if Chicago is home, but I know this house, in Oklahoma is not home. i’m not sure that since i have seen something with such potential that i can remain happy in this place with no acceptance.
since I came to chicago i have been trying to get tickets to the hottest creative act Creative Mornings–it finally happened. i was able to hear the very exceptional Raun Meyn, who creates wonderful pieces of art with reclaimed wood. he spoke of his journey from simple framer at craft stores, progressing to his own store and gaining control over what he makes. his store Found:Re creates furniture, framing and other wondrous wood creations (check him out)! the two most memorable thoughts…
“Awareness is the technique for centering oneself for achieving the inner fire” – Gurdjieff
“if its a competition, I’m winning” – Raun Meyn
The last couple of months I have been learning to design by way of The Starter League. I went into this as a journey, to build job skills on top of my degree. I got so much more than that.
I got a community of people who, like myself started out with no understanding of design and no definition of coding – but were able to put that aside and build something based on only an idea. There is no place that I have felt such an array of emotions; within the first couple of weeks at Starter League I began to question my own judgement. Did I leave my job, my kids, the home I have had for 16 years behind for nothing? Did I up and move to a city where not only had I never been but knew no one, for nothing? I felt very alone, that I did not fit in and that this was a mistake.
BUT, I had a very strong conversation with myself. I realized that I was not giving this a real chance. I was not engaging in opportunities. I was not offering myself to this challenge. I was not lending my heart to the possibilities that stood in front of me – I was letting the fear of failure steer my course.
God did not move mountains for me to get to Chicago for me to fail. He did not turn my world upside down for nothing. I was the only one standing in my way. I had to change – it was my turn to be present and make a step in the direction I want my life to go.
So I volunteered for events. I got to meet Steve Ballmer – whom before his talk at 1871 I had no idea who he was (Im a Mac girl). I joined a Meetup. I got to tour some pretty awesome spaces too, like Groupon. I began taking my designs more seriously,because I wanted them to be great – not because I wanted to fill my portfolio or stack my job skills. I wanted to be apart of this community, and for the first time I was.
I met people. I spoke to others. I introduced myself. I spoke more with my instructor Mig Reyes (Google him – he’s kinda a big deal) and other staff members.
I spent more time preparing and working smarter for my meetings with my mentor Joy Burke – who challenged my designs in ways that was so unprepared for. She told me my work was ugly, she questioned everything – to which my answers began with “I liked the color?!” to which she quickly replied “no one gives a shit if you ‘liked’ the color – what is the purpose for using that color!?” Now in all fairness I must say, that she did this to teach and not mean or harsh in anyway, she was correcting my thinking. She was getting me to ask myself what the purpose is. She was teaching me to think like a designer, solve a problem with purpose.
In preparation for #StarterNight, I participated in a Builders Weekend to jump start the build of pitch projects – the final exam if you will. Something I truly was so fearful of participating in. BUT I DID IT. I joined a group with 2 web developers and 3 html/css writers and we planned, designed and built a webpage LOVEsqrd.com, which is functional and you can buy Samantha’s upcycled goods. I am proud of my team.
I don’t know what the future holds for my designing – but I hope I can be given a chance to design a lot more. I love taking an idea and making it a reality. I never before have been apart of something so inspiring. I think of Craig Groesechl‘s LifeChurch.tv model – Bring in, build up, train, and send out. That is what Starter League has done for me. Given me the tools to be a great designer. Now the real work begins, I must use those tools.
I am so grateful to so many people.
First my brother Adam – for whom none of this would be possible. For doing more than believing in me – for investing in me.
Mig – I am forever changed by your pro tips, your understanding of my ugliness and knowing, even when I didn’t that I would get there.
Joy – Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you for sharing a small piece of your confidence, and caring about what I have to say. I hope that we can continue to meet -for I have so much more to learn.
LOVEsqrd team – Samantha, Colin, Ty, Case, Lowell: you guys are so rad! WE DID IT!
La douleur exquise (French) – the excruciating pain experienced when wanting someone you cannot have
in the scene in the basement while the family is hiding from the (spoiler alert) alien encounter, the young son has a asthma attack, to which his medications are upstairs with the danger and can not be reached. the father holds his son and during this says to him “…do not be scared … the air is coming … believe …”
this has become my mantra lately. as i have no idea what i am doing, how this is going to work out or how the questions and concerns are going to be answered or problems solved. i am scared, really scared – that this will all be in vain and i will fail. not only am i afraid that i am going to fail, but that i am going to let those down who invested time, and frankly and large some of money into this. i am terrified that i am not good enough and i will snuff out not only my light but those who depend on me to be a leader, a mother.
i am gasping for air telling myself that “… the air is coming”. my heart waits knowing the air is coming, my brain however, is just thinking.
the air is coming, the air is coming, my air is coming …
seriously – writing after 2:00am is dangerous. i have 4 drafts and they all scream “sleep on me” before posting. maybe tomorrow they will be ready for the world.
do you stop before a certain time?
so i have spent all weekend primarily in bed. i wish i could say that i’ve been ill, or at least not well. i wish i could share a story filled with romanticized escapades involving the greatest lover, or some cheeky pillow talk and scandalous stories of love. alas, none are the case. i have spent much of the weekend reading, researching designers portfolios and trying to assimilate into knowing what i am learning or least make a case for pretending i know what i am doing. i have been watching tutorials, scouring the internet for ideas, filling up pages in my look books/sketch books, listening to music that outside of this room would not be considered socially acceptable and staring out the window at times for long periods of seconds listening to the train and the tiny ice flakes hit my window. here in this room, in this bed, where it is mostly quiet i have been submerging myself into this world, this information that is more vast than oceans, and still i feel i have only scraped the tip of the iceberg.
kissing with the lights on
by Daphne Gottlieb
You told me you like my mouth. You want to kiss me.
My mouth is a wound and you
want to kiss me.
But you’re like
that: You want to go
leaping over cliffs—
you want to go
and then write pretty poems about it—
and all I want to do is
You want flowers and sonnets and us
to be together until the end of the world and I’d
just like a blow job, I’d just like
to be friends.
that’s what I’d really like.
Something warm and snuggly like a friendship.
and to fuck you.
The flowers are going to die and the cliffs are
going to erode and we might as well go fuck
since we’re going to anyway.
We’ll fuck and fight and eat and drink and smoke and fuck and smoke and fuck and
And in six months from now
we’ll stop making the world stop
to fuck each other
and one year from now
I’ll get fat and you’ll go bald and
I’ll take prozac and you’ll take viagra
I’ll get obsessed with my biological clock
and my career
and you’ll get obsessed with your hairline
and your career
and two years from now
you’d rather watch reruns than fuck me
and I’d rather be drinking than fuck you
so we’ll drink in separate bars and one night
someone who likes my mouth will buy me a drink
that drink will be attached to a hand
there will be a human holding that drink
the kind with ears
and I will tell whoever it is
all about you
and how we used to forget to eat when we were in bed for three days
and your ears will be burning across town
where you are telling whoever it is how I don’t understand you
and two years from now, that girl with that drink
she will nod that yes that I am nodding at you tonight
that nod, that yes that means you’re not coming home
because just for a second the world has gone away
because just for a second there’s someone who understands you
and that night it will be her pretty mouth you want
and that night I will pass out at home, alone
with a bottle that reminds me of us
because it’ll be empty
because it’ll be gone
I will pass out waiting for you
listening to country music—and I hate
but I’ll be feeling tragic
it’ll be the most romantic moment
I’ve ever had and
I’ll be alone
and you’ll be across town
with that girl who right now is in high school
and right now I just met you
and right now I think you should take me home and fuck me
because it only gets uglier from here
we only get uglier from here
so take me to the edge of that cliff you love
and pour me a shot of your silky poison
you can take this mouth
this wound you want
but you can’t kiss
and make it
for those who do not know, i am currently living in chicago – learning passion, art, design, life, community and general awesomeness at The Starter League. i am so excited to be apart of this great community of thinkers, idea makers and creators. i hope to find a way to make all the chaos and creative thoughts i have going on every second of the day assimilate into some kind of organized process. i have met some if the people that will be sharing this journey with me and so far i am feeling a little behind. but, i am dedicated to catching up.
the next months will be filled with the journey i am on. the good. the bad. the ugly. the really frustrating. super fantastic journey.
so far i have learned:
i do not need a car in chicago – i sold Peggy (my car)
i love the train/subway/EL much better than the bus
i do not like the red line
i love my apartment is right across from school – i can literally see the classroom
i can not imagine not hearing the sound of the train pass by now – it has become so soothing
i can have anything delivered
i love having a doorman
i am a little afraid of being by myself and without someone to bounce ideas/validate my thoughts
i miss my pooches
i miss my kids
I do not miss Oklahoma.
i feel at home here
I want to rip off your logic and make passionate sense to you. I want to ride in the swing of your hips. My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks, blazing your limbs into parts of speech.