ME and the things that make me super.

Why I love me:

i love period films like The Duchess, Pride & Prejudice, Becoming Jane, Vanity Fair

i love goofy things such as silly string fights, swimming with my clothes on, baking all day just to take a cake to the neighbors

I live life freely, embracing the small things that embrace me

my boys saved my life

i know that tomorrow is not promised and the gift of each breath is a blessing

i believe in true love

“i believe i have done some things in life too early and others too late”

i would rather spend an afternoon floating in the pool because the water is so clear that you can see for miles, than cleaning

I love curling up with a book, my puppy in a large comfy chair

sometimes there is no redo, it is just ruined

i ache for a husband – but i love that achy feeling because that means i did not settle for less than Gods best

I have the coolest friends

i could out organize Jeff Lewis (Flipping Out, Bravo)

i want to learn (better) french, farsi, hindi and russian

i hold onto memories like some hold onto pennies

“one day” is closer and closer everyday

i dont like fig newtons – they are weird, matter of fact so are raisins

i hate touching meat, but i love eating it

seafood smells gross – i wont eat it. ever.

i will get to the Eiffel tower one day, then i will spend the entire day laying beneath it and absorbing its greatness

I have more passion for life, people and the world around me than I think anyone really cares to see.

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between truth and contradictions

Christains contradict all the time, they are notorious for doing so and when asked why more people are not religious or believers in God – the same answer; hypocritical contradictions…

  • they will give money over time
  • they will give money to support benevolence within the church but hand it out only in return for conversion
  • men who belittle their family but always on time for bible study
  • offer friendship to the rich man down the street but speak shame while avoiding the prostitute he see on the way to work
  • the dad that speaks kind words to everyone but his kids then shakes the preachers hand every sunday with pride
  • the moms group that will not let the single mom into the nest because she is a sinner
  • the atheist who works 2 jobs so that he can feed homeless families on the weekends, while the Christian man won’t give a dime of his money that he works too hard to bring in. 
  • wont get to know the new girl because she is the heathen that goes the mega church, that uses instruments and claps in church. Or, the boy that doesn’t fit in because he believes that traditional worship is the way to please God. 

I could go on and on. The fact is that we all know, have had, been in, and heard of these situations. They are not old, in the past or resolved. We are guilty of them daily. Myself included. What are you providing as fuel for those who reject knowing Christ because they know that your heart says and does different things. 

I grew up in Salt Lake City, and something I respect greatly about my friends there is the idea that “we are the example of who Christ is.” No longer do I attend the LDS church but I have a deep connection and love for my mormon friends. Never did I feel out of place, always was invited, if I was hungry or thirsty they fed me, if i was alone they supported me; it is a constant outpour of compassion, regardless what congregation i sat in or sit in today. 

When did being a Christ follower become a secret society with elite members and secret handshakes to be admitted? When did the idea that Christ is so high that he can not be reached without a test and a skilled assessment? No wonder people today reject the idea of salvation and the cross, it has so many road blocks people who are beaten and broken seeking love and acceptance do not have the strength to finish. 

Take the time to embrace life. Embrace and listen to each other without scorn or judgement. Even if everything within you says to tune it out because the agenda you have created does not include the cashier from Target who is using everything she can to not cry when your ask her how her day is. Every second of our lives has a purpose. Every contact, meeting, greeting and accident is there for a purpose. Use it. Open you heart and mind to the truth of love, His love. 

so here are the truths:

 

  • i am a failure.
  • i am a sinner.
  • i need a savior.
  • some days it is all i can do to not just jump the edge and let it be over.
  • i am surrounded by people, as if i am in the middle and they are forming a circle around me, i still feel alone and empty 98% of the time.
  • i am too afraid to let God in.
  • i have no relationship with my dad, therefore i look at my Father with daddy goggles and the image is always cracked, broken and painful to see. 
  • i think if my parents would have noticed who i was as a child i would not be the affection needing freak i am today
  • i will always take every opportunity to teach my boys about the world, culture, life and love with open ears to hear their response to it. 
  • i fear that i will never marry, my mother seems to think it is because her perfect daughter was once a size 2 and now she is only the reflection of her biggest fear – weight.
  • i am happy in my skin.
  • some days i wish i could run and not stop, maybe i would end up somewhere i would not have to be me
  • i feel tapped most of the time.
  • i wish i was told i was worth the wait as a young girl, maybe then i would have waited to become a young woman.
  • I fear that the boys childhood will be empty because i can not provide as well as i was given as a child
  • i am overly funny and sarcastic because i fear i am underly exciting and worth listening to.
  • my dad has tracked every dollar i have been given since the age of 16 – that hurts more than anything
  • i seriously doubt that God gives a rip about me, most of the time i act like a good Christian because its better than being a contradictive, liar.
  • i live for the brief moments when i feel Christ breathing for me, but just like a breath it last only a second, then the doubt returns and my heart is empty. 
  • I love my boys with all my heart and they were the best surprise of my life!

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby!

I am a fraud, actress, liar, and cheater. (please keep reading)

I have been telling others to trust God for the last forever and never believing that I could trust him.Who you ask,  I don’t trust God. I don’t trust him to take care of me all the time, to provide for me, to bring forth a life of purpose and the desires of my heart. I lie to those around me and say that I trust him with my whole heart, that he is the center of my life, that he brings me the greatest joy. When I tell myself that I am the one left behind and forgotten, I know what the Bible says but I don’t feel those words.  

For the last year I have felt more lonely, more lost and more upside down than any other time in my life. I have been one of those Christians, that worship with their face and their heart is dry. I am the Queen of going through the motions. I can fake life like no other. I remember as a child being told I was the most cunning and conniving child(the sad thing is I was proud of that). I am good at making it look real.

That being said I must confess:

  • I have slacked off classes since last summer and prayed that someone would fix it for me later
  • I have sat at home watching tv and staring at the wall when I should have been in class.
  • I have been not the mother I should be.
  • Blamed when I should have taken the blame.
  • I have disappointed those who gave their faith to me.
  • I have served God in vain.
  • used food, money, and excuses to fill the void I pushed God out of.
  • I have done this all to remove myself from success, for if I succeed who will I be I have always been the failure. I don’t know how to be the success.

I say all this to remove it all and be the success. I can finish school, with the help of prayer and the grace of God. Please pray for me, and let me know how I can pray for you. I stand clean, awaiting Christ arms to embrace me once again.

Tuesday the Son comes and out and begins to shine a light through my heart and out of my words.