MDW to OKC, i touched down in the rain and immediately missed Chicago. i reminded myself that in 6 hours i would be holding my babies and therefore the rain and the muck would not matter. i retrieved my bag and met my mother, which for the first time in my life i felt awkward around. like i was missing something, like i was the misplaced person. it has been 3 months since i left Oklahoma. a heart full of dreams and hopes that Chicago may bring the change i was seeking. being back in Oklahoma with this new perspective, is like i’ve just had my eyes checked and given new sight.

the ride to my mother’s house consisted of me trying not to complain about the drive, the traffic and the dull mucky weather. so i lead with all the cool things i discovered in Chicago. the train, the sights, the museums, the music, the people, the river, the sound of the train, my doorman… anything to distract me from this feeling out not fitting in.

i assumed that things would be different, i prepared for that. i did not prepare for them to be the same. the same awkward moments between my family, this unspoken stranger-ish feeling to which i had not missed the last couple of months. the same anxious behavior my mother exhibits when my father comes home and she goes into “i-have-to-be-cleaning-something”. the same disinterestedness that possessed me to want to leave is still here. i did not prepare for that.

the surroundings, be it all familiar are not home to me. i feel displaced. i’m not sure if Chicago is home, but I know this house, in Oklahoma is not home. i’m not sure that since i have seen something with such potential that i can remain happy in this place with no acceptance.

Welcome Home?


for those who do not know, i am currently living in chicago – learning passion, art, design, life, community and general awesomeness at The Starter League. i am so excited to be apart of this great community of thinkers, idea makers and creators. i hope to find a way to make all the chaos and creative thoughts i have going on every second of the day assimilate into some kind of organized process. i have met some if the people that will be sharing this journey with me and so far i am feeling a little behind. but, i am dedicated to catching up.

the next months will be filled with the journey i am on. the good. the bad. the ugly. the really frustrating. super fantastic journey.

so far i have learned:

i do not need a car in chicago – i sold Peggy (my car)

i love the train/subway/EL much better than the bus

i do not like the red line

i love my apartment is right across from school – i can literally see the classroom

i can not imagine not hearing the sound of the train pass by now – it has become so soothing

i can have anything delivered

i love having a doorman

i am a little afraid of being by myself and without someone to bounce ideas/validate my thoughts

i miss my pooches

i miss my kids

I do not miss Oklahoma.

i feel at home here

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