*”…I don’t go to church because the line long”

Two friends of mine announced via Facebook that they had each lost a close friend today, each no relation to the other but both in car accidents.

Which got me thinking, these two individuals both died around the same time, and I am sure that others in this world lost someone around that same time too. So is there a line when you get to Heaven? Is there this flow of people who just keepflowing, standing waiting and asking each other “what are you in for?” Or is the omnipresent Christ just there to lead you home, hand-in-hand walking with you, holding you and welcoming you home.

I think it’s the latter, “welcome home my child, well done!”

Lord, remind me of how short my time on earth is. That this life is not my home. Pray for the families and friends so they can embrace your peace and love in this time.


* Lyrics from “That Ain’t Me” by Lil Wayne featuring Jay Sean from the album “I Am Not A Human Being”.

God’s Will at Capitol Hill

Tonight I had the pleasure of spending a class with the 4th and 5th graders of Capitol Hill Church of Christ, an inner (way inner) city mission church. I have to say my white bread, spoon fed, silver platter view of my bubble was challenged. I have seen the “ghetto” and even been quite comfortable with those inside it (my kids father lives there) but I had not seen the inner city as anything different from the ghetto. It is. Here’s why…

three out of the 7 kids asked for prayers for death, “bad things” parents were doing and loss. One girl came in with fresh tears, later I found out she had gotten in trouble in school for asking a boy to sleep with her (she’s nine) and she said her mother “beat her up”, she had marks on her arms and legs, and a red scrape on her face. She spent the class with the female teacher talking, begging her not to call CPS on her mother because she hated foster care. A boy I talked with said that he was trying to get his dad to stops doing bad things, he kept asking me to color with him, he wanted to talk and watch me color.

WTF is up with parents?? I mean, I have lost my tempter and yelled too loudly, spanked the toosh, been a insensitive parent while hearing the story of the wierd kid in school for the 5th time, oh yeah and had those days where I feel like a complete douche bag parent! BUT… I have never beaten my children.

So again, WTF is up with parents? I know the economy, no jobs, feeding the family and deadbeats to deal with but, i was just broken for these little hearts that are SCREAMING and literary jumping up and down and doing cartwheels for someone to just sit down with them and be interested in their voice.

MY HEART IS SCREAMING for these kids and at the same time I am so totally freaked out and scared of these kids. Scared about their germs, their unkept clothing, their parents who lash out at the world and teachers, worried that their primary school gangs are going to run after me, scared that they will get my attention and call me for everything they need, worried that I might actually fall into their hell and not be able to get out without turning it into something resembling life.

These kids need something more than a prayer and a bible story. They need a friend, stability, balance, understanding, ears that listen to them, a soft place to land, a blank page to vent out all the BS they deal with daily! Then and ONLY then are they going to be able to hear that bible story you are pushing. Because to them, God is absent, he is a fable, a myth, a hope for and a never seen, God is something that is mentioned when a mom yells or a dad stumbles into the table after being drunk all day, God is not a savior, that 15 yr old kid that offers them a 500 dollar bonus for selling the bag of rocks he has and another 1000 when he sells two more – that is his savior because he can feed their family and turn the lights back on and get their moms next drink so she will wake up and act like a mom for a couple of hours. THAT is THEIR CLASS.

So now what? All these ideas are running though my mind. Run in there and save the day, bring the passion from my side of the tracks to theirs, show them God, show them God? What God, the one that allows me a college education with a price tag of 100k, or the God that kept me from being engulfed in the gang lifestyle and the God that delivered me from a promiscuous life, that let me live when others are dying of addiction? That is not their God.  I want to go into that classroom and change everything, bring videos and media and songs and worship. I want to meet with directors and suggest tons of things. Nope. Just love. Not force, just love.

What are your thought?? Be honest!

i walk the line…

So my heart has been preparing for this post for some time now. I am not sure if I am ready but I know it needs to be said. Hold on, here goes nothing…

ME =  bipolar. 

I have been trying to write about this silly little word for so long that it has become bigger than it really is. Funny how one word can hold you captive for so long. 

1 Cor. 10:5 – take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Knowing that Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy I am making myself take captive to each an every thought turning into the TRUTH that is Christ. That am His creation, made in God’s perfect image and nothing can be bigger or stronger than He is.

I am His. I am broken. But He is directing me. I need only be still and know that HE IS GOD.

between truth and contradictions

Christains contradict all the time, they are notorious for doing so and when asked why more people are not religious or believers in God – the same answer; hypocritical contradictions…

  • they will give money over time
  • they will give money to support benevolence within the church but hand it out only in return for conversion
  • men who belittle their family but always on time for bible study
  • offer friendship to the rich man down the street but speak shame while avoiding the prostitute he see on the way to work
  • the dad that speaks kind words to everyone but his kids then shakes the preachers hand every sunday with pride
  • the moms group that will not let the single mom into the nest because she is a sinner
  • the atheist who works 2 jobs so that he can feed homeless families on the weekends, while the Christian man won’t give a dime of his money that he works too hard to bring in. 
  • wont get to know the new girl because she is the heathen that goes the mega church, that uses instruments and claps in church. Or, the boy that doesn’t fit in because he believes that traditional worship is the way to please God. 

I could go on and on. The fact is that we all know, have had, been in, and heard of these situations. They are not old, in the past or resolved. We are guilty of them daily. Myself included. What are you providing as fuel for those who reject knowing Christ because they know that your heart says and does different things. 

I grew up in Salt Lake City, and something I respect greatly about my friends there is the idea that “we are the example of who Christ is.” No longer do I attend the LDS church but I have a deep connection and love for my mormon friends. Never did I feel out of place, always was invited, if I was hungry or thirsty they fed me, if i was alone they supported me; it is a constant outpour of compassion, regardless what congregation i sat in or sit in today. 

When did being a Christ follower become a secret society with elite members and secret handshakes to be admitted? When did the idea that Christ is so high that he can not be reached without a test and a skilled assessment? No wonder people today reject the idea of salvation and the cross, it has so many road blocks people who are beaten and broken seeking love and acceptance do not have the strength to finish. 

Take the time to embrace life. Embrace and listen to each other without scorn or judgement. Even if everything within you says to tune it out because the agenda you have created does not include the cashier from Target who is using everything she can to not cry when your ask her how her day is. Every second of our lives has a purpose. Every contact, meeting, greeting and accident is there for a purpose. Use it. Open you heart and mind to the truth of love, His love. 

so here are the truths:


  • i am a failure.
  • i am a sinner.
  • i need a savior.
  • some days it is all i can do to not just jump the edge and let it be over.
  • i am surrounded by people, as if i am in the middle and they are forming a circle around me, i still feel alone and empty 98% of the time.
  • i am too afraid to let God in.
  • i have no relationship with my dad, therefore i look at my Father with daddy goggles and the image is always cracked, broken and painful to see. 
  • i think if my parents would have noticed who i was as a child i would not be the affection needing freak i am today
  • i will always take every opportunity to teach my boys about the world, culture, life and love with open ears to hear their response to it. 
  • i fear that i will never marry, my mother seems to think it is because her perfect daughter was once a size 2 and now she is only the reflection of her biggest fear – weight.
  • i am happy in my skin.
  • some days i wish i could run and not stop, maybe i would end up somewhere i would not have to be me
  • i feel tapped most of the time.
  • i wish i was told i was worth the wait as a young girl, maybe then i would have waited to become a young woman.
  • I fear that the boys childhood will be empty because i can not provide as well as i was given as a child
  • i am overly funny and sarcastic because i fear i am underly exciting and worth listening to.
  • my dad has tracked every dollar i have been given since the age of 16 – that hurts more than anything
  • i seriously doubt that God gives a rip about me, most of the time i act like a good Christian because its better than being a contradictive, liar.
  • i live for the brief moments when i feel Christ breathing for me, but just like a breath it last only a second, then the doubt returns and my heart is empty. 
  • I love my boys with all my heart and they were the best surprise of my life!


This week has been a whirlwind, a ever racing flood of chaos, projects, missed assignments and forgotten meetings. To say the least I have been one step behind all week. With the boys it seems like they have been over-active, argumentitive, and frustrating. 

I say all this to bring you to where I am trying to be. In the arms of the one who never lets me go, is constantly holding me through it all.

I have forgotten to worship!

I forgotten to lose myself within His breath.

My favorite way to worship is to drive. Drive out in the middle of everything, the fresh air, the smell of grass and leaves, the roads where no one drives. I roll down all the windows, put on David Crowder, Shane & Shane, and other favs. Turn up the volume as loud as I can and just exhale. The pure joy of hearing the words, the music and feeling the air between my hair brings me to a place so warm and whole that I get lost in time and space. I feel Christ with me and hear him leading me. I worship

How do you worship? Not meaning sitting in a church, or singing along with the choir but within day to day life? How you worship outside the walls of church?

The Dust of Christ’s Sandals

Tonight after a long textversation with a very close friend from my past I could not help but thinking that I was missing out on something. I wanted to go back to that time when he and I were closer and maybe in love, in ignorance and in sin. We were friends, lovers and drama specialists. Tonight after talking with him about being friends without the drama, love, and loving he rejected that thought and told me that he could not do that. 

So I thought, the past is the past for a reason. So why do we keep looking back? Why do we not let the dust settle from the sandals to which Christ kicks up when we walk with Him? Because within that dust is all the heartbreak, falseness, sin and pain to which we left behind and joined with the only one could wash it away. We keep shifting through and looking for something left behind. 

Tonight my heart breaks; out of love, sorrow, regret? Maybe. But my heart truely breaks for my impatience in God. My sorrow and loneliness from fighting a war on my own. When it gets to be a bigger burden than I thought; with the added weight of being a single mother, a full time student, a fighter of bipolar disorder and an unmarried woman. Sometimes I think that that dust from the past is better than the soil which may or may not be in the future. 

Tonight I pray that I have courage to stop looking back in the dust. Remind myself that the war is being fought for me and all I have to do is remember who’s on my side. 



christian campus = UnChristian

As some of you may know I am attending a Christian university which has its base in Churches of Christ. I was sceptical being that I am from a mormon-to-christian-to-Evangelical christian-to-Christ follower. Being that I am a heathen arms raised in worship and clapping in church-goer, I found it very difficult to connect with those whom I attended class with (plus they’re 5 years younger than I am and have no children, at least without being married.) Anyhoo, I took the approach that if i showed that entire class that my belief and understanding were correct, that they were missing something and therefore I had more Jesus than they did. 


I was wrong. This semester I let it go. Do I still have my “understandings,” well yes I do. But I also know that the relationship with those around me is more important than the way to which they serve. I have come to realize that we may disagree on the way in which we do things but the Jesus that breaths within me and them is the same Jesus that died for us all. And although it may be cliche, being a Christian on a Christian campus means being Christ to those I meet. Support the calling to which he whispered to me and embracing the fact that we all need relationships, the second we stop looking at the differences within our church walls we will see the similarity of the God that loves us all.

The Hunger

As I met with a very wise and warmly sweet woman this morning discussing the lack of something in my life, something to which I had felt before and possibly ignored. The squeezing of everything fake and false in my life to create and new and beautiful space for the hunger to fill. The hunger for community. Real,  authentic and beautiful community. A place that is as warm and supportive as the arms of the Father. I mean isn’t that what we are supposed to do as Christians. Be the body. Be the embrace and feet that go and take care of those who are hurting who are longing for something more than this world can give them.I hunger for that. I hunger to be that. I yearn for the closeness that it can bring when it is in fact, transparent and true. I have seen this, heard of this, desired it from afar but never have I truly been apart of something that is so real that nothing else but Christ matters.I am seeking Him.  

Looking for Community

Today I realized after trying to put my thoughts into human hand motions to write and taking my time as not to ensue false pretenses on my blogging friends. (they say not to blog when you are angry)  that I am lacking in community. True unadulterated community were open arms are met with a open heart and the embrace of individuals are comforted and supported.

I am not sure where this place is and I am not sure if I am going to find it, but I am going to leave behind the community in which my heart is dropped. I am going to keep moving and searching, serving those to which I come in contact with and embrace the God in which I love. I know the plans he has for me, plans to prosper and not harm. I know that he has given me a hunger for something more, something that is fulfilling and a hunger to be the community to which I so hunger for.

So if you are part of my blogging community, I embrace you. If you are not you are welcome here.

What would the community be like if we Loved as Christ loves us, embraced as we are embraced and lifted up as high as the heavens.  We are the body, we are His arms and feet. Fellowship, Community, Doing life together. What is holding you from this type of life?

Merry Christmas!

To those who frequent this page and those who stumbled onto it, I Welcome You and wish you a very Merry Christmas!Remember that the reason for the season is You! Christ was born to die for you so that you may live. He loves us THAT much!!May Blessing follow you through out the year. See you Soon!! 

The Perfect Gift

images.jpegWith the holiday season kicked off and the stores overflowing with shoppers, I ask myself “how much can I spend on those around me?” “what can I give them, what’s the perfect gift?”No thought really (until now) of what I can share, what I can show, what I can tell. How can I empower and embrace those who don’t have the GIFT of Christ in their lives?  How can I be Christ in their life?With the thought of the perfect gift being on everyone’s mind for the next 4 weeks, think how you can share Christ’s Perfect gift of love and sacrifice. You are the reason for the season, He came to die for YOU!  John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He sent His only son, that whoever believed in Him would not perish but have eternal life.  

Climbing Into God’s Lap

A good friend told me today to “get back into the lap of Jesus”.

I have fallen out and been beat up, forgotten who I was in Him. I needed to hear someone else say it. I needed to be apart of something other the insanity inside my head. I needed to feel again, I needed to breathe the breath of Jesus. For you Jesus are my breath and heartbeat.

So many times the gradual slippery slope of falling is just that gradual and we don’t suffer an immediate death but a slow, unnoticeable one; until one day we wake up alone and in despair. That is when our Savior is the nearest to us. Fighting alone side of us, being the person that hands us the cup of everlasting water in the race. But He is better for he runs the race for us, never letting our feet touch the ground He carries us. If we in fact let Him.

But this requires that we LET IT GO, let Him be in-charge. Stop taking it back, stop the suffering and let Christ be the one in control. Stop thinking about it (this gives satan the power). Satan only has as much power as we give him. Don’t give him any. Instead embrace Christ. SEEK Him, chase Him, he is not hard to catch, He stands next to you with open arms offering “Free hugs” reach out and take one or 3 million. He never gets tired or weary. Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your anxiety’s on Him” not some, but ALL!

So I ask you, have you left the lap of God for the control of the world, if so “climb back into God’s Lap” He is waiting for you.

Let the Make-Over Begin…

So Anne Jackson inspired me to start running. I have been thinking about it for some time, meaning I have been make believing that I am actually running in thought and therefore running in person. So I think I will actually get going. I am making over my actions. Becoming the new life that Christ created me to be. He has some GREAT HUGE PLANS for me and I need to ready for them. So here we go…