don’t date the the girl who reads

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you.

{Or stay and save my life. }

Charles Warnke

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mY wIsH LisT

**this video is my favorite from childhood – its how i picture myself telling God what my heart desires [like his doesn’t already know, lol]

Tanner has been asking about a husband, telling me his wish list for this person (cute, eh?) so here’s mine:

  1. must be hot! not talking cute, good looking, nice – I want hot! I have wasted too much time on acceptable.
  2. by hot: tall-er 5’11 – 6’3, well groomed, hair, light or really dark eyes, baby soft skin, no unibrow, eyelashes longer than mine, own a pair of nose trimmers and use them, ears (sounds simple but you never know), no hair issues on chest stomach or back, does not need to look like a body builder but I do appreciate a nice physique, a a** would be fun but not too much, no kankles, nice feet.
  3. Knows how to dress – I dig peacoats, turtlenecks, trousers, shoes that do not have letter or animals or characters on them, boxer or boxer briefs, no excessive chains medallions rings or earrings, piercing are ok if well done.
  4. THE MAJOR STUFF
  5. HONEST
  6. FAITHFUL
  7. COMES HOME TO ME
  8. LOVES GOD WITH ALL HIS LIFE
  9. Cooks
  10. eats
  11. sleeps
  12. likes dogs cats and enjoys spending time around my animals (i have a sphinx)
  13. likes to travel to new places and explore them
  14. will travel with WITH me
  15. not afraid to try new food places things ideas
  16. is smart i mean really smart in a backward not so noticeable way (like the brains of dickinson, dorothy parker, southpark creators, Steve jobs, Mike Rowe, lil wayne [seriously read his lyrics  – they are genius])
  17. LOVES MY KIDS AND WANTS TO MAKE BABIES
  18. BRITISH ACCENTS ARE BONUS
  19. loves to watch movies (i like bollywood a lot)
  20. likes to talk on walks
  21. loves to go driving
  22. take me out – alot
  23. like to have people over to play games like Cranium and cards
  24. Like to travel with other families
  25. thinks prostitution, porn, cheating on ones partner, lying and deception are negative to a growing relationship
  26. LIKES MY FRIENDS
  27. likes snow, skiing and mountains
  28. does not hold it against me that i do not dig yardwork
  29. loves to grow things like veggies
  30. thinks organic is the only way to go
  31. understands that i could have a orgasm everytime i go to wholefoods – its that wonderful! and does not think that is weird.
  32. loves that i share my secrets with him and that he shares his with me.
  33. TAKES MY BOYS TO GAMES, PARK, RIDE BIKES, FISHING, CAMPING, TO GET DIRTY AND DIG IN THE DIRT – all the things they missed out on.
  34. knows that i am a little quirky  – but loves it!
  35. is proud of me
  36. thinks im beautiful even with pjs and tears
  37. loves to dress me up and show me off
  38. understands that i think outloud and loves to here me talk
  39. know im an idea person and loves it
  40. loves that i dream
  41. lets me love him
  42. lets me take care of him
  43. lets me stay home and raise our family even though he knows i could be doing something amazing at the office
  44. doesn’t get mad when i forget stuff or fall asleep during the movie
  45. reads to the boys
  46. leads the boys in Christ
  47. prays with and for us and our family
  48. doesn’t mind coming home to mess sometimes
  49. is my friend, lover, and  knows when to be them and when to let me be his
  50. knows my 5 loves languages and let me know his
  51. is my knight in shinning armour
  52. lets me be me
  53. laughs at me when i make dinner and it burns because i had to share with him the news of the day
  54. loves that i run to him
  55. is open to me loving him in the quirky ways i do
  56. loves the notes i leave on his car  and in his breifcase and on his  phone
  57. loves that i surprise him with things
  58. loves that i am a lady but a freak in bed
  59. loves that i love him
  60. loves that we have blessings
  61. understands that money and things are not as important as family and life
  62. HE NEVER RAISES HIS VOICE TO ME OR THE KIDS
  63. WOULD NEVER HIT OR ABUSE ME OR THE KIDS
  64. WOULD NEVER BRING SOMETHING INTO OUR LIVES THAT WOULD HURT US
  65. is strong
  66. knows how to fix stuff bc i sure dont
  67. he knows how to laugh at life
  68. has tattoos not bc its cool but bc they mean something to him
  69. is an artist
  70. has a job
  71. has a career
  72. established
  73. loves that i grew up the way i did
  74. knows me inside and out
  75. willing
  76. trusts
  77. gives
  78. takes
  79. provides
  80. shares
  81. not sure if i could do *secret* that…. i trust you God.
  82. IS A MAC
  83. or if he is a pc is willing to convert.
  84. knows the 2 BIG SECRETS about me and does not care but supports me in the struggle.
  85. LOVES GOD MORE THAN ME – and knows i do too!

ok so this is it! if you fit the bill – APPLY!