Marie Howe

on fresh air today at lunch, Terry Gross interviewed poet Marie Howe. i was floored – she is thought-provoking, clever and somehow her words reach into your soul and clench hold of an inner ideal of what i have already thought. one poem reminds me of Emily Dickinson‘s poem from Time and Eternity, While I was Fearing it It Came; to me, a gut wrenching portrayal of how fear of anything prevents one from living and only pervades a focus on the fear or fear of that we try to ignore.

Marie Howe

How Some of It Happened

My brother was afraid, even as a boy, of going blind–so deeply that he would turn the dinner knives away from, looking at him, he said, as they lay on the kitchen table. He would throw a sweatshirt over those knobs that lock the car door from the inside, and once, he dismantled a chandelier in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping. We found the pile of sharp shining crystals in the upstairs hall. So you understand, it was terrible when they clamped his one eye open and put the needle in through his cheek and up into his eye from underneath and left it there for a full minute before they drew it slowly out once a week for many weeks. He learned to, lean into it, to settle down he said, and still the eye went dead, ulcerated, breaking up green in his head, as the other eye, still blue and wide open, looked and looked at the clock. My brother promised me he wouldn’t die after our father died. He shook my hand on a train going home one Christmas and gave me five years, as clearly as he promised he’d be home for breakfast when I watched him walk into that New York City autumn night. By nine, I promise, and he was–he did come back. And five years later he promised five years more. So much for the brave pride of premonition, the worry that won’t let it happen. You know, he said, I always knew I would die young. And then I got sober and I thought, OK, I’m not. I’m going to see thirty and live to be an old man. And now it turns out that I am going to die. Isn’t that funny? –One day it happens: what you have feared all your life, the unendurably specific, the exact thing. No matter what you say or do. This is what my brother said: Here, sit closer to the bed so I can see you.

i know that feeling, that total take-over of body and mind, that is ingrained into your soul and every movement and thought of each and every second of each and every day – yet, the focus does not prevent the encounter any more or less than the removal of that fear.

Emily Dickinson
WHILE I was fearing it, it came,
  But came with less of fear,
Because that fearing it so long
  Had almost made it dear.
There is a fitting a dismay,  
  A fitting a despair.
’T is harder knowing it is due,
  Than knowing it is here.
The trying on the utmost,
  The morning it is new,       
Is terribler than wearing it
  A whole existence through.
To me, a huge fan of Emily Dickinson, I thought these two ideas, went hand-in-hand and I found it interesting.
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scared

I am scared. To move on. Scared to be an adult, to take care of myself, to embrace the realty that I am a single mom, scared that the stupid fool who I wasted 13 years on and had two children with I may still love in a no-good-self-destructive-kind-of-way. (Amy I know, please do not yell at me) I am scared to move out of Oklahoma. I am scared to stay in Oklahoma. I am scared of being alone, which I am. I am scared that nothing else will be but what is right now.

I want to be a power-single-mom, a super-mom, a champion-soccer-mom… but right now I feel like, not that.

 

 

⚠ Error: Please Check Connections

Reading through blogs this morning I came across the blog of a woman whose influence and voice had a very strong presence during my formative years growing up. To this day I can still her voice and see he influence in my life. Judy Hansen has a gift, not only for creating beautiful surroundings but for creating beautiful, heartfelt and uplifting praise. I could go on about the many times she spoke into my life, but I will allow her words to touch you in their one way.

She blogged about reconnection with “spirit”, something I know much about. David Crowder sings in “Obsession” :

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin

And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And i’m so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
You know i’m stubborn, Lord, and i’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And i feel lonely without hope
And i feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

It is these words that I come back to all the time to reconnect me with a God that is constantly trying to reconnect with me. Jesus took time to reconnect with God, Matt 14:23 says “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,” I know I have taken many meetings with God in closets, my car while driving out in the middle-of-nowhere, bath tubs, and other places that are similar to these.

Point:

We all lose connection with the one who created us to connect, not only with Him but with those around us. Whether we wake up on the wrong side of the clock, or just have a frustrating day, or even get some bad news, and sometimes its the good things that disconnect us like a busy job, blessing of too much and a handful of things to do we lose connection and need to replug in that connection to see and hear what God is trying to do and say in our lives.

How do you reconnect!???

Letter to Those Left Behind…

DEAR my babies, friends, family, relatives, acquaintances,  distant companions, lovers, and loved ones….

first do not fear for the walk was short, the breeze was kind and the way well lit

i know you must be wondering what heaven is like, i was too and i can’t even create the words to speak

Jesus is here, he met me at the door took me in his arms and said “welcome home”

there were no clouds that lead my feet but light that followed us as if it was commanded to do so

the most glorious sounds not from the mouth of angels but the hearts of saints welcoming me back

and praising the King who leads

me into the house, you know that big big house with a “big big yard were we can play football”

oh how i wish you were here, but then i guess you would not be there. and oh, there, how is it there? I almost forgot about ‘there’ i miss them,those little boys that you gave, i miss you and that gentle hand as it squeezes mine and as i look up i see

see him, i see him, God. His arms that are larger than anything I have ever seen, yet small enough to hold my hand, and in his hand, and around me. Oh what a glorious gift this is, this is Love and this is Grace.

i say to God, I miss them, there love and hands, and that little noise they make when they snuggle up against me that smell from there freshly washed hair, the way they run to me when I came home, hearing about their day, sharing their tears, the loud arguments and the whining, can i see them smile, or walk down the isle, give me peace about being in this place with you

please forgive my doubt, my sadness and my fear

can i fear here?

can i hurt?

i am so confused God.

then God said, “Peace my child, let me hold you and wipe your tears, hold you close and let you cry into my hand”

and then he said this “Be Still”

and just as my heart was about to explode with pain from missing you more than i could ever say, i blinked.

“MOMMY. MOMMY!!! i’m home” and i opened my eyes to see you running towards me hand in hand with Jesus and the other arm open as far as the sea.

‘welcome home i said’

Welcome Home…

so do not fear, do not hurt, do not worry, climb into His lap and cry into his hand for i blink and we will be together again.

~me

Junior Jet Setters

I remember when I was a kid parents would send there children on flights alone. The flight attendant would check on them periodically, they would get escorted on and off the flight and someone with a rather large sign would be waiting when they got off. I never flew this way, thought about it when trouble came around and I was the cause (well fine I will just run away). It was a simple less fearful way to think then. (circa 90’s)

I don’t hear or see that much. Parents letting their children fly alone, I mean teenagers maybe but not kids like when I was a kid. Why? Did we becoming a fearing world after some incidents, do we fear humanity, or in general are we more cautious??

On the way to GLORY! (2/5)

FEAR is…

  • what you let it be

  • what turns you into something you are not

  • what takes you from God and hides you from yourself

  • can be a way to protect you

  • something that i fear

  • What do you fear that is keeping you from glory???

Fear of Blogging

All you bloggers out there I ask how did you get over the fear of writing what is really on your mind/heart?

I mean my parents read this (I hope) and I wonder what they would think about what I am writing/thinking. So do you just throw caution to the wind and go for it or sutley ease into the truth or forget it and lie? What are your experiences with them all. I think a lot of things that I don’t write for fear of rejection, persecution and other -tions that shall remain nameless for fear of well, those. Do you do the same things? How did you  overcome?

Fear

I’m sure that at least once in your life fear has kept you from doing something you were asked, or thought you could or should do. Fear of what exactly? I was asked to do something today of dire importance and I chickened out. I just though that would be cool and very awesome but I choked. The second the moment passed I regretted it. It was not something major or life-threatening, just something a great friend asked of me, and I feared the aftermath.

It does not matter the aftermath, because well its past. I know you are all thinking to yourself, fear is a good thing it keeps you from hurting yourself or others or getting into a situation that would be bad. I know that. But is that fear or just instinct. Is fear different from instinct? If so what is the difference? Where do you draw the line? Comments…