i’m not going to count on you

a wise lady gave me a great piece of advice a long while ago… that “people will let you down, but you can count on God – so you pray for them to be blessed so that they can be the blessing you need from them.” it’s not an easy concept and one that i often forget, though today i was reminded. sometimes i place too much on others and forget to allow God to work laterally for me.

 

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missing

the last couple of days have felt much like i’m in a prison; not a “i snapped and ran over a school bus” prison. no, more like Martha Stewart kind of prison. i have food, shelter and healthcare, but, it’s also bat shit crazy.

i wonder if I will ever make it out if the “Labyrinth”.

something is missing. well, many things; i hope to one day find them.

the air is coming

i am sure that you have seen the film Signs, a film by M. Night Shyamalan portraying the  different “signs” within a families life in relation to a alien encounter.

in the scene in the basement while the family is hiding from the (spoiler alert) alien encounter, the young son has a asthma attack, to which his medications are upstairs with the danger and can not be reached. the father holds his son and during this says to him “…do not be scared … the air is coming … believe …”

this has become my mantra lately. as i have no idea what i am doing, how this is going to work out or how the questions and concerns are going to be answered or problems solved. i am scared, really scared – that this will all be in vain and i will fail. not only am i afraid that i am going to fail, but that i am going to let those down who invested time, and frankly and large some of money into this. i am terrified that i am not good enough and i will snuff out not only my light but those who depend on me to be a leader, a mother.

i am gasping for air telling myself that “… the air is coming”. my heart waits knowing the air is coming, my brain however, is just thinking.

the air is coming, the air is coming, my air is coming …

⚠ Error: Please Check Connections

Reading through blogs this morning I came across the blog of a woman whose influence and voice had a very strong presence during my formative years growing up. To this day I can still her voice and see he influence in my life. Judy Hansen has a gift, not only for creating beautiful surroundings but for creating beautiful, heartfelt and uplifting praise. I could go on about the many times she spoke into my life, but I will allow her words to touch you in their one way.

She blogged about reconnection with “spirit”, something I know much about. David Crowder sings in “Obsession” :

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin

And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And i’m so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
You know i’m stubborn, Lord, and i’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And i feel lonely without hope
And i feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

It is these words that I come back to all the time to reconnect me with a God that is constantly trying to reconnect with me. Jesus took time to reconnect with God, Matt 14:23 says “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,” I know I have taken many meetings with God in closets, my car while driving out in the middle-of-nowhere, bath tubs, and other places that are similar to these.

Point:

We all lose connection with the one who created us to connect, not only with Him but with those around us. Whether we wake up on the wrong side of the clock, or just have a frustrating day, or even get some bad news, and sometimes its the good things that disconnect us like a busy job, blessing of too much and a handful of things to do we lose connection and need to replug in that connection to see and hear what God is trying to do and say in our lives.

How do you reconnect!???

Guest Post: Taudry Nichols

I would like to inrtroduce a friend of mine, she has given me a lot of gregarious laughter over the years and I thought I would share her wisom and humor with my readers. I introduce the unmistakable Taudry Nichols!

 

Good morning bright minds, being a guest writer on this blog I suppose I could fill the pages with anything really, but no lets have a focus shall we.

So three things about me:

1. futbal, not football, futbal. Not a sport its a life.

2. men, rich or poor they all lie. Get a good one and love him like a sailor leaving for port.

3. nothing beats a good wine, gossip and great pair of heels.

4. if your don’t have a secret to keep, your life has not been lived.

5. I write in order to be able to breathe.

6. Me and God have a very tumultuous relationship, passionate and pursued with the greatest of life.

7. If you can’t find yourself in Paris, try finding someone else to help you in Paris.

8. Words are not magic, mystical or perfect they are the only divine remnant on earth.

9. fall is the heart of me and the time when my mind speaks.

10. knowledge in any category is worth more than money in any form.

 

So this is me in ten little sentences. The test of any good author is to test the will of the reader, to bring up feelings that they did not know they had and make the reader want to put the words down and act. If you sit in a chair taking in the words yet do nothing with them, they die; not only do they die the author’s purpose for them dies. You may be asking why this matters, why should you care about words or ideas. Don’t.  Don’t care, act. Be something more and do something more with life than being passive. Explore, see, do, embrace, live, love, fail, fall. I wake up each day and even when I am pissed at the world in all its crap, I still believe there is crap to be had. So, go on, go… then come back and share what good, bad, and ugly things you got to see.

Letter to Those Left Behind…

DEAR my babies, friends, family, relatives, acquaintances,  distant companions, lovers, and loved ones….

first do not fear for the walk was short, the breeze was kind and the way well lit

i know you must be wondering what heaven is like, i was too and i can’t even create the words to speak

Jesus is here, he met me at the door took me in his arms and said “welcome home”

there were no clouds that lead my feet but light that followed us as if it was commanded to do so

the most glorious sounds not from the mouth of angels but the hearts of saints welcoming me back

and praising the King who leads

me into the house, you know that big big house with a “big big yard were we can play football”

oh how i wish you were here, but then i guess you would not be there. and oh, there, how is it there? I almost forgot about ‘there’ i miss them,those little boys that you gave, i miss you and that gentle hand as it squeezes mine and as i look up i see

see him, i see him, God. His arms that are larger than anything I have ever seen, yet small enough to hold my hand, and in his hand, and around me. Oh what a glorious gift this is, this is Love and this is Grace.

i say to God, I miss them, there love and hands, and that little noise they make when they snuggle up against me that smell from there freshly washed hair, the way they run to me when I came home, hearing about their day, sharing their tears, the loud arguments and the whining, can i see them smile, or walk down the isle, give me peace about being in this place with you

please forgive my doubt, my sadness and my fear

can i fear here?

can i hurt?

i am so confused God.

then God said, “Peace my child, let me hold you and wipe your tears, hold you close and let you cry into my hand”

and then he said this “Be Still”

and just as my heart was about to explode with pain from missing you more than i could ever say, i blinked.

“MOMMY. MOMMY!!! i’m home” and i opened my eyes to see you running towards me hand in hand with Jesus and the other arm open as far as the sea.

‘welcome home i said’

Welcome Home…

so do not fear, do not hurt, do not worry, climb into His lap and cry into his hand for i blink and we will be together again.

~me

Speakeasy

This morning while making out the job bag for the boys (you know Saturday chores, well we’re trying it)Chores I went to my phone to get a verse that was in my head to talk to them with in parallel to chores and attitude; this is what I found.

23 Whatever you are doing,t work at it with enthusiasm,t as to the Lord and not for people. Col. 3

I hope this verse will speak to them, because, it ended up speaking right through me.

This is me lately:

  • broke
  • worried about every single half cent
  • working half a**ed to please people, PEOPLE.
  • trying to get through school so my “investors” are happy
  • acting like a good mom so no one sees the fear, guilt, emptiness and gut wrenching hope that we will one day be more than mediocre
  • making every decision based on the idea that it will be the best for “us” not for Him.
  • I have lost sight of the goal
  • I have lost sight of my purpose, my vision, my Chazown
  • I forgot who signed my story

I remember a time in my life where I lived by this verse. To be honest my life was the opposite of the above list. I had money always, never worried about meals, needs, outcomes, because I had a peace that surpassed all that. That does not mean that my life was without pain or hurt or fear but I had an understanding that things were taken care of and my focus was on Him. God was the air in my lungs and the life I lived for.

Just this morning a caught a glimpse of the life I have had and honestly missed, willing to work for Him, giving up control so he can take command.

i walk the line…

So my heart has been preparing for this post for some time now. I am not sure if I am ready but I know it needs to be said. Hold on, here goes nothing…

ME =  bipolar. 

I have been trying to write about this silly little word for so long that it has become bigger than it really is. Funny how one word can hold you captive for so long. 

1 Cor. 10:5 – take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Knowing that Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy I am making myself take captive to each an every thought turning into the TRUTH that is Christ. That am His creation, made in God’s perfect image and nothing can be bigger or stronger than He is.

I am His. I am broken. But He is directing me. I need only be still and know that HE IS GOD.

eHarmony v. HE*harmony?

Me:(while driving and talking with amy)

I have really just had it, couples in the store shopping for your Son’s b-day (x-mas people) and lovie-dovie… I am still single after *blank* years, all right 10 years, 2 children, crappy relationship, separation, dead beat baby daddy, broken heart, change, saved, hopin’ wishin’ prayin’, I am STILL alone! And BTW I am really sick of hearing, your time is coming, there is someone out there, in God’s time (no offense) if you lost the weight (my mother says daily) after graduation, when your settled and someday! I want to date, a want to be cared for, looked after, loved, appreciated, a real baby daddy for the boys a Father, a best friend and a lover. I want what everyone else has! I am tired of pretending that I am ok by myself!

Bottom Line: What the and when the and why don’t I have the, whats wrong with me and whats up with you? I am mad at you God for knowing my deepest hearts desire and leaving it empty. And yes, I am being selfish and thinking only of me but jimminey christmas I have had enough of this doing it by myself thing, and handling the crap alone, relying on my parents and having no backup, no teamwork and no support. I am hurt and wondering if it may never happen, left thinking is this it? Will I never have more children, will I never walk down the eisle, will I never get to be Mrs. Somebody? 

Amy:

I am sure that God has not forgotten us (she is single to, although the young age of 21 v. my 28. See my piont) We are hot women with alot going for us. Surely this is not it!

Me:

I guess, I will call you later. 

 

When I went to pick up the boys from Konnect I picked up Chandler first and then we go into the BIG room to sing with Tanner and hear about whats going on. As the closing annoucements came on they showed the video that reminded the kids to pray for thier FUTURE SPOUSE, ummm well first of all these kids are like 8-11 and my first thought was young hello.

But then God WHISPERED so sweetly LISTEN to ME, pray for him! My heart was touched in such a awesome way. I knew he was speaking to me. I knew he had heard my rant and was reassuring me. 

This week he has used little things after that BIG thing in Konnect to show me he has not forgotten. I still am not 100% sure that my heart has been transformed by this little, uh shall me say tantrum. But I have a renewed reminder that each time I feel this way (like 75% of the day) I am reminded to pray for HIM, and trust me it is a really hard thing to do. To pray, wait and be patience. I fight the urge to just say “eHarmony” but instead I am saying HE*harmony

So What You Say: If you read this and are thinking, “I just had the convo with myself (or GOD)”   PRAY, PRAY your GUTS out! Pray for HIS safety, for HIS purity, for HIS heart, for HIS relationship with GOD!

I won’t promise that the relationship with happen, truth, it may not. BUT your relationship with GOD will!

share your relationship waiting here and let me pray with you!!

It’s a Twister

Being that it is “severe weather season” here in alley (something we are all very excited about truth be told) I thought that I would mention the storm that has been stirring in me lately. 

I have searching for authenticity. A storm that has been circling for a long time is about the touch down. I have been writing just not publishing, so for my faithful readers I apologize. I have been looking to those around me, some builders others work demolition to finance my way into happiness and security. Well I should have known that check would bounce. 

I am discontent with what I am contributing to life, my life, my kids life, my communities life. What to change, I want to change everything. I have so many ideas, plans, dreams, desires and most of all I want to be a partner with The only One who can make it happen. 

So I ask you this how do you find authentic relationships? Where do you find them, keep them? Do you seek them or have they found you? 

SHARE, its more fun!

 

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby!

I am a fraud, actress, liar, and cheater. (please keep reading)

I have been telling others to trust God for the last forever and never believing that I could trust him.Who you ask,  I don’t trust God. I don’t trust him to take care of me all the time, to provide for me, to bring forth a life of purpose and the desires of my heart. I lie to those around me and say that I trust him with my whole heart, that he is the center of my life, that he brings me the greatest joy. When I tell myself that I am the one left behind and forgotten, I know what the Bible says but I don’t feel those words.  

For the last year I have felt more lonely, more lost and more upside down than any other time in my life. I have been one of those Christians, that worship with their face and their heart is dry. I am the Queen of going through the motions. I can fake life like no other. I remember as a child being told I was the most cunning and conniving child(the sad thing is I was proud of that). I am good at making it look real.

That being said I must confess:

  • I have slacked off classes since last summer and prayed that someone would fix it for me later
  • I have sat at home watching tv and staring at the wall when I should have been in class.
  • I have been not the mother I should be.
  • Blamed when I should have taken the blame.
  • I have disappointed those who gave their faith to me.
  • I have served God in vain.
  • used food, money, and excuses to fill the void I pushed God out of.
  • I have done this all to remove myself from success, for if I succeed who will I be I have always been the failure. I don’t know how to be the success.

I say all this to remove it all and be the success. I can finish school, with the help of prayer and the grace of God. Please pray for me, and let me know how I can pray for you. I stand clean, awaiting Christ arms to embrace me once again.

Tuesday the Son comes and out and begins to shine a light through my heart and out of my words.

Psst… are you one too?

my second secret:

I hate Christians. Yeah you heard what I said.

I have met so many that worship God with their heart but show that they are nowhere near knowing the love of Christ with the way they live their lives.

And here’s the bomb…

I AM ONE OF THEM

And, I hate that. I hate that in my heart the wings on which Christ lifts me up somehow fall short and forget how to fly the second I leave church. My finances, my attitude, my concerns and the place in which my treasure resides all changes. Yet, I mock those who do the same calling them weird and hypocritical when I am the true hypocrite.

These days of revelation come as I am searching my own heart for the path to which God calls me, the way in which I treat those around me and the shoes to which I aim to walk a mile in. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that you are the problem you are complaining about. Be the solution, Be Christ to those who do not know him and Love like its the only way to breathe.

Shh, Shh Secret Secret

Lets face it we all have secrets some hidden deeper than others.  In the next couple of days I am going to delve into the secrets I keep, mainly me. So put your suits on we are jumping right on in. 

  •  I am a compulsive eater, an over eater and a emotional eater. 
I have come to terms in admitting that I am a Food Addict,

HI, my name is Stacey I am addicted to food! I want to be clean 

I am talking about this so that other addicts can come forward and share what they are addicted to ’cause everyone is addicted to something, no really you are too. Here are some addictions you may not see:

  •  TiVo (I love mine too)
  • St. Arbucks (as Loswhit calls it)
  • That talking box (or plasma, for you big ballers out there)
  • CNN, MSNBC, and tickers
  • Work
  • Cars
  • Money
There are so many things that replace the Love the God can gives us and if we ALLOW them to take over our lives. I have allowed Food to take over. 
 
No more. No gimmicks. Just me God and a pray and that my amigos is more than enough.
 
SHARE what you are going through, your secret, your heart and your need. You are welcome here.  

The Hunger

As I met with a very wise and warmly sweet woman this morning discussing the lack of something in my life, something to which I had felt before and possibly ignored. The squeezing of everything fake and false in my life to create and new and beautiful space for the hunger to fill. The hunger for community. Real,  authentic and beautiful community. A place that is as warm and supportive as the arms of the Father. I mean isn’t that what we are supposed to do as Christians. Be the body. Be the embrace and feet that go and take care of those who are hurting who are longing for something more than this world can give them.I hunger for that. I hunger to be that. I yearn for the closeness that it can bring when it is in fact, transparent and true. I have seen this, heard of this, desired it from afar but never have I truly been apart of something that is so real that nothing else but Christ matters.I am seeking Him.  

Looking for Community

Today I realized after trying to put my thoughts into human hand motions to write and taking my time as not to ensue false pretenses on my blogging friends. (they say not to blog when you are angry)  that I am lacking in community. True unadulterated community were open arms are met with a open heart and the embrace of individuals are comforted and supported.

I am not sure where this place is and I am not sure if I am going to find it, but I am going to leave behind the community in which my heart is dropped. I am going to keep moving and searching, serving those to which I come in contact with and embrace the God in which I love. I know the plans he has for me, plans to prosper and not harm. I know that he has given me a hunger for something more, something that is fulfilling and a hunger to be the community to which I so hunger for.

So if you are part of my blogging community, I embrace you. If you are not you are welcome here.

What would the community be like if we Loved as Christ loves us, embraced as we are embraced and lifted up as high as the heavens.  We are the body, we are His arms and feet. Fellowship, Community, Doing life together. What is holding you from this type of life?

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda??

A person who is my life’s frustration needed help with his tires yesterday, I did nothing. I justified it

as he is a big issue and frustration and pain in the @##, he has brought pain to me and my kids and I just chalked it up to he doesn’t deserve my help, I have helped him enough and only been burned.

Then as I was driving home last night a woman had called into a certain Christian radio station and mentioned that if you have the means and do not help how much will your Father help you.

We can not pick and choose who we assist, we should be lead by the spirit and allow him to guide our heart when it comes to giving. I chose not to help him because I saw him as unfit and unworthy…but aren’t I the same in God’s eyes – unfit and unworthy but loved and given love and good blessings anyway.

YOUR THOUGHTS…

Through the Looking Glass

Scott Rogers spoke at Lifechurch.tv last weekend about how we look at our Everlasting Father through the eyes of what we see our earthly father as. I have pondered on this for the last couple of days to see how this fits into my relationship with both God and my dad.

I have looked at God through production and consequences. I have seen God as accepting me on the grounds of the my actions, if I mess up he punishes, if I do well he is not impressed, if I do better, I could have done something better than that. God loves me as long as I perform. When I fail he is quick to punish and correct.

BUT…

God does not LOVE this way.

He is quick to love, slow to speak, and fast to embrace. He is not a God of circumstance, or punishment, or a love based on behavior. He loves me (us) no matter what we do. He may allow consequence to correct, but He still loves us.

Knowing this I decided to remove the dad goggles and look at God for what He and who He is. It will take time but you can too. Remove the lens to which to see Him and allow Him to penetrate you heart. Find His embrace and let Him love you.

This week I was sure that I would not pass this semester therefore I would not have aide and be able to continue working on my degree where I am at. God showed me that “Yes you did mess up, and you dont’ deserve to have a second chance, BUT, because I love you I will show you grace and mercy and you may continue what you are doing” He corrected me and showed me Grace. Something only HE could do. I am so thankful for His mercy and His Love.

When you take of the dad Goggles, what God do you see? Have you the courage to do so.

today will worry about itself

22 And he said to his disciples, Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

bible.jpg

This verse speaks to me in so many ways it brings peace and understanding when I open the refrigerator and it is bare, when my clothes are ripped and the checking account is empty. This verse tells me that it will be ok. That God is the great provider and I need no worry about anything. For HE and He alone will provide. I do not find security in my checkbook, my refrigerator (whether full or barren) my car, my cabinets or my wallet. It only comes from knowing that all I must do is be still and know that HE is God.

What are you taking comfort in that is fleeting away? Let me pray for you.

blessing are like warm fuzzies

I remember when I was in middle school we had a motivational speaker come and discuss with us the importance of being kind to others; he would call nice conversation and kindness “warm fuzzies” and harsh words and bad feelings “cold pricklies”. Well we all had fun at that mans expense for months mocking his verbage.

Tonight I was in the kitchen and thinking about how over the last month my spending was not where God would have wanted it to be and therefore He removed some of the blessings I had been given. Because I was not blessing those in need or those He wanted me to bless he removed the responsibility. I firmly believe that God will bless you to be a blessing. So anyway, in the kitchen tonight I could feel that changing. I have been keeping much better track of my spending and not spending it unwisely. I am giving like there is no tomorrow and I can feel the “warm fuzzies” of God’s blessing coming back into my life. I can feel the responsibility coming back. And I must say it feels good to be trusted again. I am curious, have you felt the warmth of God’s blessings? How are you being responsible with His gifts?

A Mighty Warrior

A friend mentioned this to me last night and I have yet to get it out of my head…

The Lord will fight for you, all you have to do is be silent. Ex. 14:14

How cool is that, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords will go into battle and fight for us in OUR battles and FIGHT for us. We only need to be still. That speaks into my heart, that when I am battling my weight He will fight it for me, when I am fighting against temptation He will fight it for me, when I am fighting fear He will fight it for me; again and again no matter how many times I need Him to, He is strong enough and big enough to fight my battles so that I may be still!

What battles are you fighting that He can fight for you, how are you remaining still??

A DUH! (but we all need to hear it sometimes)

Carlos Whittaker wrote this on ragamuffinsoul.com WOW did I need to hear this one…

At the end of the day Carlos, you have 24 hours.
Quit giving time to problems that YOU can’t fix anyways and give that time back to what God has called you to do.

I spent the majority of my day yesterday consumed with a problem I have no control over.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Then this morning when I stopped wasting GOD’S time on MY issues I had a 45 minute conversation with a new friend on the phone who is SO CLOSE to seeing God’s truth revealed to them that they even let me pray for them.
It may not sound like much, but the fact that they said “Amen” after I got done is earth shattering.

Lord forgive me for my selfishness. Help me gaze at YOU

What are you GIVING up which is time that you SHOULD be workin’ that calling!!
(p.s I should be in class right now!)

On the way to GLORY! (2/5)

FEAR is…

  • what you let it be

  • what turns you into something you are not

  • what takes you from God and hides you from yourself

  • can be a way to protect you

  • something that i fear

  • What do you fear that is keeping you from glory???

On the way to GLORY!

Larry, who you watch in this video died 2 weeks after this was shown in church.

I ask you what are you doing to leave a legacy, a glory, a life behind that will live on after you go home. What are you chasing that does not matter? What treasures are you storing today that will not matter tomorrow? Are you living so that others may see Christ in your life?

BE THE BLESSING…

I don’t know any more about theology than a jack rabbit does about ping-pong but I’m on the way to glory” – Billy Sunday

Comfort is…

blankei.jpg

Today on Swerve Craig talks about being comfortable, and accepting God rather than the comforts of this world. Don’t get me wrong I believe that accepting and living in God’s blessings is totally merited, but living in them and relying on them is something different.

In my life moving from my parents house (a very comfortable living) to a campus apartment where our living is humble but closer to God, I have found that in monetary waiting there is God. Me and the boys are learning to rely on each on and look to God for our comfort and income. We are praying together, reading the word as a family and getting to know God more and more. I am so grateful for this time in our lives.

What comforts are keeping you from knowing God?

What Comforts or lack of are bringing you closer to God?

Silent Readers speak up!! 🙂