Left Thoughts

Self, yes me I’m talking to you
Im stuck in the mud and can’t seem to break free
This mud sucks (thats a pun, you see)
I ache for one thing
Its simple and free
Love.
You know the kind
Everyone seems to have it
It sparkles, “bling”
The love she wears on her left sleeve.
I thought I had it once
But nope I was wrong
He left me alone, well
not really, two boys tagged along.
I am simple
a home, dinner table conversations
a couple of spoons.
I dont mind cooking, I already got the mixer
I like to clean its kinda my liquor.
I have prayed and prayed but God has not offered
I still believe though
In His love and life.
I just would like to be a wife.
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Perspective.

I was reminded last night/today that I have been blessed with wild, unpredictable, free spirited and genuinely kind and loving kids. With that comes unpredictablity, wild and zany times. Tanner is the most caring, supportive, and loyal child in the world. Chandler, whew, is wild, unpredictable, loud, creative and all over the place all the time. 

BUT, I would never, ever change them or change what they do on a daily bases. 

I need to change the way I am parenting. I need to seek opportunity to be better and more aware of what the wild man is doing. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes to their need. Thank you for using this small wonder to create a big shift in my heart. I can do better than this. We as a family will be better because of this.

eHarmony v. HE*harmony?

Me:(while driving and talking with amy)

I have really just had it, couples in the store shopping for your Son’s b-day (x-mas people) and lovie-dovie… I am still single after *blank* years, all right 10 years, 2 children, crappy relationship, separation, dead beat baby daddy, broken heart, change, saved, hopin’ wishin’ prayin’, I am STILL alone! And BTW I am really sick of hearing, your time is coming, there is someone out there, in God’s time (no offense) if you lost the weight (my mother says daily) after graduation, when your settled and someday! I want to date, a want to be cared for, looked after, loved, appreciated, a real baby daddy for the boys a Father, a best friend and a lover. I want what everyone else has! I am tired of pretending that I am ok by myself!

Bottom Line: What the and when the and why don’t I have the, whats wrong with me and whats up with you? I am mad at you God for knowing my deepest hearts desire and leaving it empty. And yes, I am being selfish and thinking only of me but jimminey christmas I have had enough of this doing it by myself thing, and handling the crap alone, relying on my parents and having no backup, no teamwork and no support. I am hurt and wondering if it may never happen, left thinking is this it? Will I never have more children, will I never walk down the eisle, will I never get to be Mrs. Somebody? 

Amy:

I am sure that God has not forgotten us (she is single to, although the young age of 21 v. my 28. See my piont) We are hot women with alot going for us. Surely this is not it!

Me:

I guess, I will call you later. 

 

When I went to pick up the boys from Konnect I picked up Chandler first and then we go into the BIG room to sing with Tanner and hear about whats going on. As the closing annoucements came on they showed the video that reminded the kids to pray for thier FUTURE SPOUSE, ummm well first of all these kids are like 8-11 and my first thought was young hello.

But then God WHISPERED so sweetly LISTEN to ME, pray for him! My heart was touched in such a awesome way. I knew he was speaking to me. I knew he had heard my rant and was reassuring me. 

This week he has used little things after that BIG thing in Konnect to show me he has not forgotten. I still am not 100% sure that my heart has been transformed by this little, uh shall me say tantrum. But I have a renewed reminder that each time I feel this way (like 75% of the day) I am reminded to pray for HIM, and trust me it is a really hard thing to do. To pray, wait and be patience. I fight the urge to just say “eHarmony” but instead I am saying HE*harmony

So What You Say: If you read this and are thinking, “I just had the convo with myself (or GOD)”   PRAY, PRAY your GUTS out! Pray for HIS safety, for HIS purity, for HIS heart, for HIS relationship with GOD!

I won’t promise that the relationship with happen, truth, it may not. BUT your relationship with GOD will!

share your relationship waiting here and let me pray with you!!