“the first word I teach my daughter will be “no”
she will sing it to me and scream it at me
and I will never tell her to quiet down
she will say it when I tell her to go to bed
when I tell her she can’t have anymore candy
or watch anymore television
“no” will be my daughter’s favorite word
not only will I teach her how to say it
but I will teach her to repeat it over and over
again until every single atom in her tiny little body
hums with it
If it makes her less soft than the other girls
I will take her to museums and show her
what marble and stone can become
I will brush her hair and let her wear whatever
she wants
whatever that makes her
she will know
that the world has been built upon “no’s”
upon rejections and refusals and swords
if this makes her a warrior in a field of
flowers, then she will walk without fear
of being trampled on
the first word I teach my daughter will be
and when she grows up
in a world that tells her
she can’t walk down the street by herself
that “no” will be heard
it will roar and echo down the block
and she will never be told to keep
she will not know the meaning of the word.”

Foiled. Again. (dun dun dun…)

Chandler did not sleep well last night. I blame the melatonin – you see Chandler takes things for one reason and the result is the complete opposite!


Benadryl – Makes him hyper.

Pain meds (he’s had 2 surgeries) – Hyper.

Motrin – Nothing, not even pain relief.

Prescription Antihistamine – Migraines

Laughing gas – Tired. Not laughing.

Last night he woke at 12:30am. Remained awake until 5am.

Not gonna lie, I cried. Begged, pleaded, bargained, promised, prayed, and then when I got done talking to God through tears, fell asleep only to be woken up by Tanner saying he could not sleep with Chandler bugging him and keeping him up. (at 3am)

After I kicked them both out of my bed, cried some more and went back to sleep – I woke up this morning with Chandler sleeping sideways and kicking me at 4:45am.

UGH! I want the ease of last nights going to sleep and the peace of every other night him staying asleep NOT IN MY BED.

Have I mentioned I HATE BEDTIME, no? I hate bedtime!

Sleep has never been his strength

Chandler does not sleep. He has not been a good sleeper since birth. When he was an infant, he was nurse get to sleep I would lay him in his bed get to the door and he would wake up. This went on ALL night long. I would cry for hours each night while nursing him praying he would sleep. I spoke with doctors, specialists, God, friends; nothing helped. Even when medicated from surgury recovery he only slept for an hour then he was up and fine like nothing happened. This went on and one and still goes on to this day.

He fights sleep.

I tried melatonin when he was a baby – nothing. Sleeping tablets – nothing. Charts, rewards, gifts for weeks on good bedtime – nothing. Screaming, yelling, threats, grounding – nothing.


3mg of Melatonin and “I’m really tired mom, just one book tonight!!!”

Holy CRAP… do you know the dance I danced at 7:54pm when he went to sleep ON HIS OWN. No bargining, begging, pleading, crying (me not him) arguing, yelling, screaming (him not me), praying (well I did prayers of praise)! It was glorious! If it happens again tomorrow I will be thrilled.

The threat of change

Todays Image:

Today I am thankful for:

  • Blueberry muffins that did not burn.
  • a cat nap on the comfy couch.
  • the pooches did great in surgery and made it home to recover.
  • My new book came in the mail.
  • The ideas for tomorrow.
I will try better tomorrow:
  • Refrain from saying ‘no’ so much to the boys
  • seek adventure somehow
  • only have 3 d. cokes. (prayers plz)
  • not turn on the tv while boys are awake.
  • listen without thinking.
Get done:
  • yoga
  • library
  • walk Evie twice around
  • speak kind words

4″ Snowpocalypse

If you don’t watch the news, the midwest has been under a snow blanket. Schools have been closed, restaurants closed (even Mcdee’s), life has stopped in Edmond Oklahoma.

This afternoon, Tanner recited 11 mins. of Spongebob Squarepants – They so need to go back to school.

BUT – Chandler and I made a castle of empty boxes, butcher paper, and scrapbook supplies.

I love my boys dearly! But no more snowdays.

Moms… what is keeping the peace and sanity in your house during this winter craziness?

Everything She has

8:34am Wake up to the boys watching tv and arguing about LEGOs or iPhone time, go downstairs to make breakfast let the dog out and feed the cat.

9:12am Hit the showers, primp & curl, get the boys dressed in something other than a pj shirt camo shorts and slippers, let the dog out.

10:02am Coffee time (not starbucks) need to load up on the java to get through playtime and lunch.

10:47am Let the dog out, bring out the LEGOs, the cars, the tracks to race the cars, the crayons, the markers, the construction paper – bring on the creative play.

11:54am “What do you want for lunch kiddos”

12:09pm The most perfect homemade mac-n-cheese hits the table with fresh melon medley and ice water, let the dog out.

12:39pm Lunch over, “clean up clean up everybody everywhere…”

1:07pm Run errands, movie, outside, computer games, Wii, draw, friends…. something.

4:47pm “Mom, Whats for dinner?” Hmmm to cook or not cook? Take-out? Nope, save money. Grilled chicken with fresh organic seasoned green beans and homemade mash potatoes.

5:51pm Great conversation about school and friends, funny stories and laughing, I love the dinner table.

5:59pm “Clean up…” you know the drill. Oh, yeah let the dog out.

6:11pm Rainbow Serbert (organic of course) maybe some tv

7:30pm Bath, books and bedtime. We love to read Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak & A Bad Case of the Stripes by David Shannon

8:30pm Squenches and sleep.

9:01pm Me time, reading, bath, tv, awwwww. Let the dog out. Reflect on how very blessed I am. How much I love my babies. How much God gives me, takes care of every single need.




I have been absent from this site from some time partly because I hated the world and all who live in it, and partly because my worldly  hatred caused me to write things that only Debbie Downer would enjoy.  Not saying that all that has changed, but I now only have a small hatred for the world and some of its inhabitants, but I have gained a much bigger love for where I am being asked to grow. (you know, bloom where planted)

Here’s where I, we, us are:

We are living at my parents as the University was not too pleased at me living under the radar in student housing considering I graduated in December, so we vacated our grand apartment and moved into a 2 story brick with a pool. I admit, at first I was so bitter that lemons and limes looked like gumdrops. Now I have let go a little and realized that we are here for a reason, I hate not being able to do my own thing and wander like I want, eat after 10pm and sit with my doggie watching House Hunters INternational. BUT… I have lost 10 lbs, go to bed at 10pm instead of 4am and the pool is nice.

On the job front, I have applied everywhere from Target to The Richards Group and not had much luck (although I did meet with The Richards Group and loved it, although they did not love me as much as I did them). I want to work like nobodies bidness and think I am a catch in the work world, plus, that whole degree thing I now have. (ta daaaaa) I have passion and heart and grace and humbleness so I know it is just around the corner.

Dating. Hmmm, well that is a void, but I have hopes that a perfect man is being molded just for me. I have placed an order, but it seems to be taking longer than anticipated. I’ll wait.

So… there’s your update on us, me, I.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed getting here.

Give Thanks

Most of the world watched at little Paris Jackson let the world hear her little voice yesterday, and as we were allowed into this little girls broken heart, ours broke along with hers. As a mother, a single mother I wiped away the tears thinking about my kids. I do have a will and my parents have guardianship as well as know my wishes for the boys and for me, but I could not fear that they could be taken from me in a second. I could be taken from them. Then what, I mean I am not afraid of dying, I embrace the idea of sitting with Jesus and just talking about life one day; it is the fear of what is left behind. Them. Suddenly my heart broke again, for the days throughout their life I have taken for granted and gotten mad over for nothing, and wasted worrying about spills on the carpet, for nothing.

My favorite Aunt, Katharina once told me not to let the couch become more important than those who sit on it. I love her. We have the same soul, she is my warmth and compassion, my embrace and my shelter. She is also wise and caring without asking a thing in return. She is the mother I want to be. I say this because throughout my life, I have been told never to slam doors, scratch cars, touch the walls, scour the floors, spill anything and clean up everything. Cars were more important than what I did that day in school, and if I bought home glitter it would not make it into my dads porche that he only brought out on sunny days, and the other time it was under a tarp in the garage. Now I love my dad and understand now why he wanted that golden egg, or porche protected, it took him a lifetime to get it. But in that lifetime he got me, and my brother but somehow forgot, or maybe he never learned how to embrace love instead of loving to embrace things. He is better now, but still when he says not to slam the Hummer doors, my heart clinches and I want to scream really loudly.

I want my boys to know how to respect possessions of others and theirs without embracing them as happiness makers. I want to take in every moment I can, those little boy hands will soon be holding ipods, computers, girls hands and steering wheels; but for now they are mine to hold.


I was reminded last night/today that I have been blessed with wild, unpredictable, free spirited and genuinely kind and loving kids. With that comes unpredictablity, wild and zany times. Tanner is the most caring, supportive, and loyal child in the world. Chandler, whew, is wild, unpredictable, loud, creative and all over the place all the time. 

BUT, I would never, ever change them or change what they do on a daily bases. 

I need to change the way I am parenting. I need to seek opportunity to be better and more aware of what the wild man is doing. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes to their need. Thank you for using this small wonder to create a big shift in my heart. I can do better than this. We as a family will be better because of this.

Junior Jet Setters

I remember when I was a kid parents would send there children on flights alone. The flight attendant would check on them periodically, they would get escorted on and off the flight and someone with a rather large sign would be waiting when they got off. I never flew this way, thought about it when trouble came around and I was the cause (well fine I will just run away). It was a simple less fearful way to think then. (circa 90’s)

I don’t hear or see that much. Parents letting their children fly alone, I mean teenagers maybe but not kids like when I was a kid. Why? Did we becoming a fearing world after some incidents, do we fear humanity, or in general are we more cautious??