missing

the last couple of days have felt much like i’m in a prison; not a “i snapped and ran over a school bus” prison. no, more like Martha Stewart kind of prison. i have food, shelter and healthcare, but, it’s also bat shit crazy.

i wonder if I will ever make it out if the “Labyrinth”.

something is missing. well, many things; i hope to one day find them.

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Lost With Directions

Do you use GPS while driving? I do, and well, I always get lost, more lost than I would on my own. Always. That whole “recalculating” is the most annoying thing ever.

For the last 5 years my goal was – finish school, get the degree and grow up. ✓ (well except the grow up thing, work-in-progress)

Ummmm, now what? Seriously? what now?

Its like I am stuck driving around with “English Woman Voice” saying over and over “recalculating”.

Not quite sure which direction to go.

 

 

*”…I don’t go to church because the line long”

Two friends of mine announced via Facebook that they had each lost a close friend today, each no relation to the other but both in car accidents.

Which got me thinking, these two individuals both died around the same time, and I am sure that others in this world lost someone around that same time too. So is there a line when you get to Heaven? Is there this flow of people who just keepflowing, standing waiting and asking each other “what are you in for?” Or is the omnipresent Christ just there to lead you home, hand-in-hand walking with you, holding you and welcoming you home.

I think it’s the latter, “welcome home my child, well done!”

Lord, remind me of how short my time on earth is. That this life is not my home. Pray for the families and friends so they can embrace your peace and love in this time.

 

* Lyrics from “That Ain’t Me” by Lil Wayne featuring Jay Sean from the album “I Am Not A Human Being”.

Underoverwhelmed

I loose myself some days and get caught in the web of untime. There is not real nor fake there is just.
Sometime cuaght between two different well three different people. which one is real? Are they all real each part of the other.
I can be mom a student a writer and get lost in all of them. But then there is the other side that gets lost in me.
when the clock stops ticking and the wall becomes so fainting that i stare at it for hours not even thinking about it.
in darkness i loose mself. unable to move or to move anyting else. a fog.
unmotivated, unable to be or do anything except that wall. so..
now i am once again left to restart the forgets and remember to turn it and clean and laundry and focus and become. something.
but who with are these shared who really cared to hear bout the wall to which i find so interesting.
no one.
just me and the wall.
but the Wall cant write, that would just be silly
so there fore i write there behind and scatted. begging pleading with God to get to the other side of this Wall. face down i pray for the Lord to get me through while i do the work and he does the rest.
the wall.
is the wall meant to crumble? something to which i can not fix, or stare to keep it stright.
if your promise to not tell i will share the secret of this wall.
it is a liar. it is perceived to be white and clean and strong but really it has been painted over so many times that it is now a foot thicker than when it first was born i mean put up and so I cant trust the wall.
I am a liar, painted over so many times that I only look and am perceived as the people look-in on to me.
I am liar. false and untrue. this thing makes me this way and i fall to its will. daily thinking thinking thing about it, it never goes away.
you dont love me thing, you dont.
broken i sit at the wall looking for something i will never find.
peice.


go back go back go back…back to where you were! 

If you have children then you have most likely heard this song. It is from Blues Clues and they sing it when they have lost something.

I have lost the innocent way in which I perceive the world in which I surround myself. I have forgotten that I am blessed with the Gift of Too Much. I was walking back from the ever famous Caf tonight with the kiddos and remembered that they are soo awesome! I have been so stressed out with classes that I have been very short with them. Tonight in the dark and crisp air I saw the kids as kids. I saw that they are so wonderful and I had lost that loving feeling. I promised myself to take time to remember that they are kids. Kids who need and deserve a mother who is excited to be their mother.

So if you too have lost something, go back go back go back…go back to where you were!

A Letter to the Past

My Darling Past,

I am writing to tell you that I can no longer think of you in this way and my dear future is getting jealous. I know, I know this is hard, we had some good times you and me, but things are different now. I’m different now. I would love to embrace you and allow you to once again sweep off my feet, but then I would not have a leg to stand on. I do love you and promise that every once in a while when the rain is falling and the house is quiet I will lovingly think back to what we had, and shed a tear for the life left behind. But daily I am reminded what I have now, the peace and reassurance that I am moving forward, into the plan set before me, and you can not be allowed to alter that path. It’s not you, it’s me. Thanks for the memories, I will always cherish them and you. Goodbye.

Love,

me