affection v. aggression

when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground
she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs
when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you
he probably just thinks you’re cute’
but the thing is,
when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same
you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression
and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two
because no one ever taught her the difference
‘boys will be boys’
turns into
‘that’s how he shows his love’
and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips
she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist
the one adult she tells scolds her
‘you know he loses his temper easily
why the hell did you have to provoke him?’
so she shrinks
folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice
by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well
be quiet, be soft, be easy
don’t give him a reason
but for all her efforts, he still finds one
‘boys will be boys’ rings in her head
‘boys will be boys
he doesn’t mean it
he can’t help it’
she’s 7 years old on the playground again
with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love
because boys will be boys baby don’t you know
that’s just how he shows he cares
she’s 18 now and they’re drunk
in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined
like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations
she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the goddamn words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment
she touches the bruise the next day
boys will be boys
aggression, affection, violence, love
how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war
she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises
one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body
boys will be boys will be boys will be boys
when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps
he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh
doesn’t he know that boys will be boys?
it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground
so I guess what I’m trying to say is
i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things
baby they exist in difference universes
my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now
don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys
don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that
if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love
baby love won’t hurt when it comes
you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer
the only reason he should ever reach out his hand
is to hold yours

Fortesa Latifi – Boys Will Be Boys
(And Why That Is The Stupidest Thing You Could Ever Say To A Little Girl)


“the first word I teach my daughter will be “no”
she will sing it to me and scream it at me
and I will never tell her to quiet down
she will say it when I tell her to go to bed
when I tell her she can’t have anymore candy
or watch anymore television
“no” will be my daughter’s favorite word
not only will I teach her how to say it
but I will teach her to repeat it over and over
again until every single atom in her tiny little body
hums with it
If it makes her less soft than the other girls
I will take her to museums and show her
what marble and stone can become
I will brush her hair and let her wear whatever
she wants
whatever that makes her
she will know
that the world has been built upon “no’s”
upon rejections and refusals and swords
if this makes her a warrior in a field of
flowers, then she will walk without fear
of being trampled on
the first word I teach my daughter will be
and when she grows up
in a world that tells her
she can’t walk down the street by herself
that “no” will be heard
it will roar and echo down the block
and she will never be told to keep
she will not know the meaning of the word.”

i’ve earned a man

i’ve earned a handsome gentlemen with more sense than fear, more money than dreams, more love than lusts. i’ve earned a man that comes home to me and looks away when the younger option walks by. i’ve earned a man who looks at my children not “as his own” but as his own. who lets me take care of him, cook, clean, support and cheer him on. who in return honors and protects me, provides and uplifts me. i’ve earned a man.

you teach me

spending the weekend with my little (well, younger brother he towers over me) i am reminded that he has taught me more about love and life than any other person i know. he is the most caring, generous and loving man – not just to those who show love to him, but also those whose love he will never see in return. he gives without expecting, shares his heart with strangers and is quick to lend a hand to anyone in need. he has been broken and hurt by compassion too many times yet he stands up to help those who’ve pushed him down every time.he has shown me the heart of Christ and challenged me to live closer to Him. he has asked me to seek to forgive those who depleted my soul, when i only could speak words against them.

he is my bestest friend. my Superman.


one day, he will think of me this way…

“I wake up wanting you. I fall asleep wanting you. I watch a magnificent sunrise and can think only of sharing it with you. I glimpse a piece of amber and see your eyes… I’ve caught a disease, and the fever abates only when I’m near you.”

— Karen Marie Moning, To Tame A Highland Warrior

just a simple thought

i am really exploring why i do not think love happens in real life. that two people who ‘care’ for one another may deeply care for each other, may even ‘love’ the other person. but are they so in love with that person that they cherish them, need them, feel lost without them, story-book love them.

when i see couples, i always ask myself the same question: “what is it that connects them, that brings them into this situation. will he be true to her? will she nag him to death? will their life begin and end with each other?” 

i see relationships truly has heartache. a constant battle over who has the upper-hand and who holds power over the others feelings. who does something out of fear that the other will be angry if its not done. a marriage is a lifetime of placating and patronization. this is a real relationship to me. maybe a wrong, but to me this feels, normal. feels right. 

odd isn’t. how i can wish, want and desire something different, yet ache for this dysfunctional familiarity. i do not think i know what a true loving relationship is or looks like. would i know it if i saw it?

just a simple thought. 

30 Letters in 30 Days: day four

day four: letter to my brother


I can not believe that you and I are all grown up. I still think of you as that little weirdo that dressed in spandex daily and had to have a sword of some nature tucked in a belt on the spandex (see photo) so you could fight the dangers and crime of  the world. It seems like you were always saving someone or something as a Ninja Turtle,Superman

this was more than a costume - he wore this daily. For years.

, Batman or just Ninja Adam. Your sweet innocence that allowed you to drop a small rock onto Jeff Prince’s nose while he laid on the ground and you stood above him because, well, he asked you to; still perseveres today, although to your credit I think you would choose wiser today given the same option. I love that innocence about you. I think is it super fantastic that you never let your friends crap about your addictions to being Michael Jackson when you were 7, or your love for tigers when you were 10 (complete with wall paper and posters) get to you; you rocked the glove and tees.

I love that when your friends where hurting or have struggles you hurt with them, you did and still do whatever to cheer them up. You are a great friend. I love your gullibility, not because its funny (although it is hilarious at times) but that you trust without fear, it has gotten your heart-broken but you still choose to trust first. You haven always been the Peace Maker, something I have never been. I admire that you can consistently do this, with everyone; family, strangers, friends, sworn enemies.

I love that you can go halfway around the globe and run into someone you know. It’s the “everywhere he goes” theory. I love that you can walk into a Target and make friends with the cashier while talking about flavors of gum. I adore that you still have Nerf gun fights and think playing is more fun than watching “the game”. No matter what you are doing you are dedicated. Whether it’s a bad idea or a good idea, you go all in. You never stop trying to get to the next step.

just became an Uncle

There are so many things I love about being your sister, but the most coolest thing about saying your my brother is getting to see you grow into a man and take on the world with love, faith and grace. As your older sister I lived to make your life my humor, as your friend I long to see to succeed and live to know you as my younger brother who surpassed my expectations.

I may not always like the way you maneuver the world. I think you work too much sometimes, well a lot actually ( I have to mention something about the clock) I think you could slow down on the crazy diets and work out routines, I definitely think you could visit more – I get a little cranky about these subjects I know, but I am trying to understand the course to your chaos. I say that to say this – Life moves faster than any thought or action, please slow down to enjoy what is really in front of you instead of what is being portrayed in the distance.

I love you Adam. I will always.

– Me

Left Thoughts

Self, yes me I’m talking to you
Im stuck in the mud and can’t seem to break free
This mud sucks (thats a pun, you see)
I ache for one thing
Its simple and free
You know the kind
Everyone seems to have it
It sparkles, “bling”
The love she wears on her left sleeve.
I thought I had it once
But nope I was wrong
He left me alone, well
not really, two boys tagged along.
I am simple
a home, dinner table conversations
a couple of spoons.
I dont mind cooking, I already got the mixer
I like to clean its kinda my liquor.
I have prayed and prayed but God has not offered
I still believe though
In His love and life.
I just would like to be a wife.


This image here is me. Simple.

I cook food from scratch. I use organic everything-I-can. I am determined about making eating together a time of reconnection, enjoyment, and conversation. From the drinks to the dessert, the music in the background and the plates and cups on the table – I want time to stop and the only movement is memories being made.

♬ Music Provides a Path ♪

I began playing music at a very young age, first piano then violin and finally landed on the flute at 6. I hated practicing, I just wanted to be able to pick it up and release the magic inside my head. I competed in competitions and only by the sheer will of my teacher Mrs. Nancy Toone I kept up with it after I discovered boys. Also, I secretly wanted to be better than Jamie Prince who was a violin genius and lived next door. I think music has always been apart of my soul. I feel the closest to God when I am playing, singing, listening or around music. I feel and gain the most inspired my music; David Crowder, Flyleaf, and Sade speak volumes to me, seriously they changed my life. On the flip side, Lil Wayne and Tupac have made a soundtrack to another part of my life, one that drives me to move farther, harder and never give in.

I can’t sing a note. I can still play music if you do not expect grandeur. Tanner and Chandler will be picking a form of music to incorporate into their lives this fall and I can not wait to share with them my love for this 6th sense. Tanner already has a love for music, we’ll sing Johnny Cash and Michael Jackson, Lil Wayne (relax, it’s the clean versions) Da, Da, Da, Fleetwood Mac… so many more.

Also, I have to say nothing beats a record, yes, a real record older the better. The old ones crack and pop with every turn. I love putting on records on my vintage player on rainy days and listen to vintage and antique records with a great book, a comfy chair and either a warm blanket or a warm dog.

What are your top ten artists/songs??    ♪♬♩   How do you enjoy those artists???

My List:

10. Sade – Cherish the Day

9.  Reliant K

8.  Citizen Cope

7.  Flyleaf

6.  Billie Holiday

5.  U2 – Joshua Tree Album

4.  Howie Day

3.  Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi Soundtrack

2.  Lil Wayne

1.  David Crowder Band

ME and the things that make me super.

Why I love me:

i love period films like The Duchess, Pride & Prejudice, Becoming Jane, Vanity Fair

i love goofy things such as silly string fights, swimming with my clothes on, baking all day just to take a cake to the neighbors

I live life freely, embracing the small things that embrace me

my boys saved my life

i know that tomorrow is not promised and the gift of each breath is a blessing

i believe in true love

“i believe i have done some things in life too early and others too late”

i would rather spend an afternoon floating in the pool because the water is so clear that you can see for miles, than cleaning

I love curling up with a book, my puppy in a large comfy chair

sometimes there is no redo, it is just ruined

i ache for a husband – but i love that achy feeling because that means i did not settle for less than Gods best

I have the coolest friends

i could out organize Jeff Lewis (Flipping Out, Bravo)

i want to learn (better) french, farsi, hindi and russian

i hold onto memories like some hold onto pennies

“one day” is closer and closer everyday

i dont like fig newtons – they are weird, matter of fact so are raisins

i hate touching meat, but i love eating it

seafood smells gross – i wont eat it. ever.

i will get to the Eiffel tower one day, then i will spend the entire day laying beneath it and absorbing its greatness

I have more passion for life, people and the world around me than I think anyone really cares to see.

SMS davidcrowderband

This song sings to me.

(Verse 1)
Send me a sign
A hint, O whisper
Fill me with life
‘Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me the light
‘Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels’ wings

(Chorus 1)
Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel loved
Can You overcome this heart that’s overcome?

(Verse 2)
You sent a sign
The hint, O whisper
Human, divine
Everyone is listening

Death laid low
Quiet in the night is stirring

All around the rush of angels

O the wonder of the greatest love has come

(Chorus 2)
Shine Your light so all can see it
Lifted up, ’cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome, He has overcome

** I would appreciate any and all prayers as I continue in my job search – That God will provide the means, the       job I can be me in and my heart to be open to his blessings!

– Thank you!!

red fingernails & peep toe heels

nothing is more me than painted finger nails

with a red that mirrors the beat of my heart –

you know that one you ignore.

I paint my figernails red, like wearing my heart on

my sleeve, but those red fingernails, the ones you held on to and let caress you…

wont be caressing you anymore.

and those peep toe heels, well

those are for me. becuase with them on,

I will walk away with more style and class than you were ever able to pass.

red fingernails and peep toe heels.

Give Thanks

Most of the world watched at little Paris Jackson let the world hear her little voice yesterday, and as we were allowed into this little girls broken heart, ours broke along with hers. As a mother, a single mother I wiped away the tears thinking about my kids. I do have a will and my parents have guardianship as well as know my wishes for the boys and for me, but I could not fear that they could be taken from me in a second. I could be taken from them. Then what, I mean I am not afraid of dying, I embrace the idea of sitting with Jesus and just talking about life one day; it is the fear of what is left behind. Them. Suddenly my heart broke again, for the days throughout their life I have taken for granted and gotten mad over for nothing, and wasted worrying about spills on the carpet, for nothing.

My favorite Aunt, Katharina once told me not to let the couch become more important than those who sit on it. I love her. We have the same soul, she is my warmth and compassion, my embrace and my shelter. She is also wise and caring without asking a thing in return. She is the mother I want to be. I say this because throughout my life, I have been told never to slam doors, scratch cars, touch the walls, scour the floors, spill anything and clean up everything. Cars were more important than what I did that day in school, and if I bought home glitter it would not make it into my dads porche that he only brought out on sunny days, and the other time it was under a tarp in the garage. Now I love my dad and understand now why he wanted that golden egg, or porche protected, it took him a lifetime to get it. But in that lifetime he got me, and my brother but somehow forgot, or maybe he never learned how to embrace love instead of loving to embrace things. He is better now, but still when he says not to slam the Hummer doors, my heart clinches and I want to scream really loudly.

I want my boys to know how to respect possessions of others and theirs without embracing them as happiness makers. I want to take in every moment I can, those little boy hands will soon be holding ipods, computers, girls hands and steering wheels; but for now they are mine to hold.


I was reminded last night/today that I have been blessed with wild, unpredictable, free spirited and genuinely kind and loving kids. With that comes unpredictablity, wild and zany times. Tanner is the most caring, supportive, and loyal child in the world. Chandler, whew, is wild, unpredictable, loud, creative and all over the place all the time. 

BUT, I would never, ever change them or change what they do on a daily bases. 

I need to change the way I am parenting. I need to seek opportunity to be better and more aware of what the wild man is doing. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes to their need. Thank you for using this small wonder to create a big shift in my heart. I can do better than this. We as a family will be better because of this.

christian campus = UnChristian

As some of you may know I am attending a Christian university which has its base in Churches of Christ. I was sceptical being that I am from a mormon-to-christian-to-Evangelical christian-to-Christ follower. Being that I am a heathen arms raised in worship and clapping in church-goer, I found it very difficult to connect with those whom I attended class with (plus they’re 5 years younger than I am and have no children, at least without being married.) Anyhoo, I took the approach that if i showed that entire class that my belief and understanding were correct, that they were missing something and therefore I had more Jesus than they did. 


I was wrong. This semester I let it go. Do I still have my “understandings,” well yes I do. But I also know that the relationship with those around me is more important than the way to which they serve. I have come to realize that we may disagree on the way in which we do things but the Jesus that breaths within me and them is the same Jesus that died for us all. And although it may be cliche, being a Christian on a Christian campus means being Christ to those I meet. Support the calling to which he whispered to me and embracing the fact that we all need relationships, the second we stop looking at the differences within our church walls we will see the similarity of the God that loves us all.

Do You Validate?

Lately I have been seeking out authentic relationships and learned that really I am seeking validation for the person to which God created me to be.

  • For instance, I LOVE Bollywood movies, more specifically anything with Shahrukh Khan. I love the way these films totally capture your interest and stir something that is real, a connection to which American films do not even attempt to do. You can fall into a film and remember everything about that film, they show emotion that is rare in Hollywood and have an authentic flare that is never seen in the US. They are colorful and musical and most of all the embrace love and feeling. Everything to which I also embrace, I am a true romantic and these films tell me it is OK to be so.
  • Also, I am fascinated with other cultures, fascinated to the point where I could spend all day learning about them and still not want to sleep just so I could read something else. I love seeing how different religions and cultures look at Christ, how they respect and know who he is without knowing Him.
  • I love writing and reading on interesting arguments and topics that strike a chord and at time anger and bring a light and fire into someones brain. I love intellectual conversation, even if I am not the one making the intelligent pionts. More often than not I am listening and hoping I don’t sound foolish.

In these qualities I am a lone thinker in my family, no one understands my love for Bollywood, or shares in my passion for ShahRukh Khan. They think it is silly and weird that I spend three hours listening and watching singing and dancing and love stories. I can’t discuss other cultures with those around me, no one shares the passion or knowledge so it is awkward. Intellectual discussion is not found but rather, removed from conversation and it turns to awkward silences and “how’s school, are you done yet?”

I am saying all this to mention that I have been looking in the wrong places, I have been looking for my desires and passions to be validated and accepted, embraced and challenged, interested in and loved as I love them.

In a conversation with my brother (who is always my voice of reason) he said “for someone to be interested in what you are saying you must first be someone who knows what you are talking about.” meaning that I have to be someone validated to be someone others come to for validation. If you still did not catch that, in it’s simplest form, I must be a educated, degreed and have made something of myself for others to come to for information. Well, I agree and disagree (mainly because I know it is true and yet I want to be looked at for more than I am right now).

I know that a degree is important and trust me I am working my tail off to get it. My brother also said that I have to play to game with my professors, when the passion inside me wants to argue my way to bank I have the hardest time playing the game all in the name of validation right. So in my quest to validation, where am I?

Throughout this week I will be talking about my dreams, not the ones when I am sleeping the ones the haunt me when I’m driving, or in class, or listening to Shahrukh, the real ones that one day will come true!

Psst… are you one too?

my second secret:

I hate Christians. Yeah you heard what I said.

I have met so many that worship God with their heart but show that they are nowhere near knowing the love of Christ with the way they live their lives.

And here’s the bomb…


And, I hate that. I hate that in my heart the wings on which Christ lifts me up somehow fall short and forget how to fly the second I leave church. My finances, my attitude, my concerns and the place in which my treasure resides all changes. Yet, I mock those who do the same calling them weird and hypocritical when I am the true hypocrite.

These days of revelation come as I am searching my own heart for the path to which God calls me, the way in which I treat those around me and the shoes to which I aim to walk a mile in. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that you are the problem you are complaining about. Be the solution, Be Christ to those who do not know him and Love like its the only way to breathe.

Let The Children Come to Him…

Gina McClain has posted a FABULOUS post about children and thier hearts for Jesus. I stand with her in the idea that Children can and do have the heart to live thier lives for Christ. IF we but allow them and give them the tools and support to do so. I you have not heard about Jesus Camp, it is a camp for children to experience and draw closer to God. I love this video of this young lady who has a big heart for Christ and shares him with a stranger at the bowling alley…that is awesome. What could we do if we really believed that Christ has given us all the power and support we need to do anything he calls us to. We can move mountains, build cities, create lives for those whom he calls us to.  What could we accomplish? What is your dream? What would you do if you really believed Christ would not let you fail?

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda??

A person who is my life’s frustration needed help with his tires yesterday, I did nothing. I justified it

as he is a big issue and frustration and pain in the @##, he has brought pain to me and my kids and I just chalked it up to he doesn’t deserve my help, I have helped him enough and only been burned.

Then as I was driving home last night a woman had called into a certain Christian radio station and mentioned that if you have the means and do not help how much will your Father help you.

We can not pick and choose who we assist, we should be lead by the spirit and allow him to guide our heart when it comes to giving. I chose not to help him because I saw him as unfit and unworthy…but aren’t I the same in God’s eyes – unfit and unworthy but loved and given love and good blessings anyway.