character v. reputation

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”   – John Wooden

 

character:

strength in my own self understanding. i know who i am – without a doubt. well maybe. 

boldness that comes from finding a voice and being quiet too long.

stubborn to a fault.

loving to fault. 

unafraid. 

 

reputation

single mother with two boys

not independent 

creative

smart

fighter

single mother of two boys

kind

follower

obsessively organized

single mother of two boys. 

 

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Reflectional?

The funny thing about a mirror is that is shows you what is projected in front of it. 

Not the truth.

Not what is real.

Only what is placed before it. 

A lie painted to be seen as the truth will be seen in reflection to be true.

If a mirror can be fooled, which is only glass masked ….

Then what is used to see truth?


So…

I have been absent from this site from some time partly because I hated the world and all who live in it, and partly because my worldly  hatred caused me to write things that only Debbie Downer would enjoy.  Not saying that all that has changed, but I now only have a small hatred for the world and some of its inhabitants, but I have gained a much bigger love for where I am being asked to grow. (you know, bloom where planted)

Here’s where I, we, us are:

We are living at my parents as the University was not too pleased at me living under the radar in student housing considering I graduated in December, so we vacated our grand apartment and moved into a 2 story brick with a pool. I admit, at first I was so bitter that lemons and limes looked like gumdrops. Now I have let go a little and realized that we are here for a reason, I hate not being able to do my own thing and wander like I want, eat after 10pm and sit with my doggie watching House Hunters INternational. BUT… I have lost 10 lbs, go to bed at 10pm instead of 4am and the pool is nice.

On the job front, I have applied everywhere from Target to The Richards Group and not had much luck (although I did meet with The Richards Group and loved it, although they did not love me as much as I did them). I want to work like nobodies bidness and think I am a catch in the work world, plus, that whole degree thing I now have. (ta daaaaa) I have passion and heart and grace and humbleness so I know it is just around the corner.

Dating. Hmmm, well that is a void, but I have hopes that a perfect man is being molded just for me. I have placed an order, but it seems to be taking longer than anticipated. I’ll wait.

So… there’s your update on us, me, I.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed getting here.

between truth and contradictions

Christains contradict all the time, they are notorious for doing so and when asked why more people are not religious or believers in God – the same answer; hypocritical contradictions…

  • they will give money over time
  • they will give money to support benevolence within the church but hand it out only in return for conversion
  • men who belittle their family but always on time for bible study
  • offer friendship to the rich man down the street but speak shame while avoiding the prostitute he see on the way to work
  • the dad that speaks kind words to everyone but his kids then shakes the preachers hand every sunday with pride
  • the moms group that will not let the single mom into the nest because she is a sinner
  • the atheist who works 2 jobs so that he can feed homeless families on the weekends, while the Christian man won’t give a dime of his money that he works too hard to bring in. 
  • wont get to know the new girl because she is the heathen that goes the mega church, that uses instruments and claps in church. Or, the boy that doesn’t fit in because he believes that traditional worship is the way to please God. 

I could go on and on. The fact is that we all know, have had, been in, and heard of these situations. They are not old, in the past or resolved. We are guilty of them daily. Myself included. What are you providing as fuel for those who reject knowing Christ because they know that your heart says and does different things. 

I grew up in Salt Lake City, and something I respect greatly about my friends there is the idea that “we are the example of who Christ is.” No longer do I attend the LDS church but I have a deep connection and love for my mormon friends. Never did I feel out of place, always was invited, if I was hungry or thirsty they fed me, if i was alone they supported me; it is a constant outpour of compassion, regardless what congregation i sat in or sit in today. 

When did being a Christ follower become a secret society with elite members and secret handshakes to be admitted? When did the idea that Christ is so high that he can not be reached without a test and a skilled assessment? No wonder people today reject the idea of salvation and the cross, it has so many road blocks people who are beaten and broken seeking love and acceptance do not have the strength to finish. 

Take the time to embrace life. Embrace and listen to each other without scorn or judgement. Even if everything within you says to tune it out because the agenda you have created does not include the cashier from Target who is using everything she can to not cry when your ask her how her day is. Every second of our lives has a purpose. Every contact, meeting, greeting and accident is there for a purpose. Use it. Open you heart and mind to the truth of love, His love. 

so here are the truths:

 

  • i am a failure.
  • i am a sinner.
  • i need a savior.
  • some days it is all i can do to not just jump the edge and let it be over.
  • i am surrounded by people, as if i am in the middle and they are forming a circle around me, i still feel alone and empty 98% of the time.
  • i am too afraid to let God in.
  • i have no relationship with my dad, therefore i look at my Father with daddy goggles and the image is always cracked, broken and painful to see. 
  • i think if my parents would have noticed who i was as a child i would not be the affection needing freak i am today
  • i will always take every opportunity to teach my boys about the world, culture, life and love with open ears to hear their response to it. 
  • i fear that i will never marry, my mother seems to think it is because her perfect daughter was once a size 2 and now she is only the reflection of her biggest fear – weight.
  • i am happy in my skin.
  • some days i wish i could run and not stop, maybe i would end up somewhere i would not have to be me
  • i feel tapped most of the time.
  • i wish i was told i was worth the wait as a young girl, maybe then i would have waited to become a young woman.
  • I fear that the boys childhood will be empty because i can not provide as well as i was given as a child
  • i am overly funny and sarcastic because i fear i am underly exciting and worth listening to.
  • my dad has tracked every dollar i have been given since the age of 16 – that hurts more than anything
  • i seriously doubt that God gives a rip about me, most of the time i act like a good Christian because its better than being a contradictive, liar.
  • i live for the brief moments when i feel Christ breathing for me, but just like a breath it last only a second, then the doubt returns and my heart is empty. 
  • I love my boys with all my heart and they were the best surprise of my life!