okla-hom-a?

MDW to OKC, i touched down in the rain and immediately missed Chicago. i reminded myself that in 6 hours i would be holding my babies and therefore the rain and the muck would not matter. i retrieved my bag and met my mother, which for the first time in my life i felt awkward around. like i was missing something, like i was the misplaced person. it has been 3 months since i left Oklahoma. a heart full of dreams and hopes that Chicago may bring the change i was seeking. being back in Oklahoma with this new perspective, is like i’ve just had my eyes checked and given new sight.

the ride to my mother’s house consisted of me trying not to complain about the drive, the traffic and the dull mucky weather. so i lead with all the cool things i discovered in Chicago. the train, the sights, the museums, the music, the people, the river, the sound of the train, my doorman… anything to distract me from this feeling out not fitting in.

i assumed that things would be different, i prepared for that. i did not prepare for them to be the same. the same awkward moments between my family, this unspoken stranger-ish feeling to which i had not missed the last couple of months. the same anxious behavior my mother exhibits when my father comes home and she goes into “i-have-to-be-cleaning-something”. the same disinterestedness that possessed me to want to leave is still here. i did not prepare for that.

the surroundings, be it all familiar are not home to me. i feel displaced. i’m not sure if Chicago is home, but I know this house, in Oklahoma is not home. i’m not sure that since i have seen something with such potential that i can remain happy in this place with no acceptance.

Welcome Home?

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*”…I don’t go to church because the line long”

Two friends of mine announced via Facebook that they had each lost a close friend today, each no relation to the other but both in car accidents.

Which got me thinking, these two individuals both died around the same time, and I am sure that others in this world lost someone around that same time too. So is there a line when you get to Heaven? Is there this flow of people who just keepflowing, standing waiting and asking each other “what are you in for?” Or is the omnipresent Christ just there to lead you home, hand-in-hand walking with you, holding you and welcoming you home.

I think it’s the latter, “welcome home my child, well done!”

Lord, remind me of how short my time on earth is. That this life is not my home. Pray for the families and friends so they can embrace your peace and love in this time.

 

* Lyrics from “That Ain’t Me” by Lil Wayne featuring Jay Sean from the album “I Am Not A Human Being”.