affection v. aggression

when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground
she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs
when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you
he probably just thinks you’re cute’
but the thing is,
when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same
you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression
and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two
because no one ever taught her the difference
‘boys will be boys’
turns into
‘that’s how he shows his love’
and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips
she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist
the one adult she tells scolds her
‘you know he loses his temper easily
why the hell did you have to provoke him?’
so she shrinks
folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice
by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well
be quiet, be soft, be easy
don’t give him a reason
but for all her efforts, he still finds one
‘boys will be boys’ rings in her head
‘boys will be boys
he doesn’t mean it
he can’t help it’
she’s 7 years old on the playground again
with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love
because boys will be boys baby don’t you know
that’s just how he shows he cares
she’s 18 now and they’re drunk
in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined
like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations
she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the goddamn words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment
she touches the bruise the next day
boys will be boys
aggression, affection, violence, love
how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war
she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises
one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body
boys will be boys will be boys will be boys
when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps
he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh
doesn’t he know that boys will be boys?
it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground
so I guess what I’m trying to say is
i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things
baby they exist in difference universes
my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now
don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys
don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that
if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love
baby love won’t hurt when it comes
you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer
and
the only reason he should ever reach out his hand
is to hold yours

Fortesa Latifi – Boys Will Be Boys
(And Why That Is The Stupidest Thing You Could Ever Say To A Little Girl)

one day, he will think of me this way…

“I wake up wanting you. I fall asleep wanting you. I watch a magnificent sunrise and can think only of sharing it with you. I glimpse a piece of amber and see your eyes… I’ve caught a disease, and the fever abates only when I’m near you.”

— Karen Marie Moning, To Tame A Highland Warrior

Reflectional?

The funny thing about a mirror is that is shows you what is projected in front of it. 

Not the truth.

Not what is real.

Only what is placed before it. 

A lie painted to be seen as the truth will be seen in reflection to be true.

If a mirror can be fooled, which is only glass masked ….

Then what is used to see truth?


Me World v. Me Me

So I have not posted in a while – been thinking though.

Lewis Carroll wrote in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

Don’t let him know she liked them best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.

Is it fair to say that we each have two sides, one that we present to the world to be perceived and accept by the “norm” and then the side that we keep to ourselves. The one that is just as real as the latter, yet hidden and protected for the prying eyes and hurtful words of the world pierce deeply.

I do. I have Stacey the world embraces and Stacey I embrace. Maybe one day I will share both side of me.

Do you do this? What am I saying of course you do. Share.


i walk the line…

So my heart has been preparing for this post for some time now. I am not sure if I am ready but I know it needs to be said. Hold on, here goes nothing…

ME =  bipolar. 

I have been trying to write about this silly little word for so long that it has become bigger than it really is. Funny how one word can hold you captive for so long. 

1 Cor. 10:5 – take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Knowing that Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy I am making myself take captive to each an every thought turning into the TRUTH that is Christ. That am His creation, made in God’s perfect image and nothing can be bigger or stronger than He is.

I am His. I am broken. But He is directing me. I need only be still and know that HE IS GOD.

Truth and Non Truth?

So I have this fear of losing my grip on, well I don’t even know what to call it… sanity, focus, grip, balance, center; you get it. I am so very inspired by this authentic, outrageous, real, honest, pastor of music and connection in Atlanta who I have never met and only read his thoughts and words through his blog and Twitter

I want to be authentic. I want to be honest. I want truth. Real. 

I am terrified to do so. Why? and how do I knit that net to fall into when I leap from the stand?

between truth and contradictions

Christains contradict all the time, they are notorious for doing so and when asked why more people are not religious or believers in God – the same answer; hypocritical contradictions…

  • they will give money over time
  • they will give money to support benevolence within the church but hand it out only in return for conversion
  • men who belittle their family but always on time for bible study
  • offer friendship to the rich man down the street but speak shame while avoiding the prostitute he see on the way to work
  • the dad that speaks kind words to everyone but his kids then shakes the preachers hand every sunday with pride
  • the moms group that will not let the single mom into the nest because she is a sinner
  • the atheist who works 2 jobs so that he can feed homeless families on the weekends, while the Christian man won’t give a dime of his money that he works too hard to bring in. 
  • wont get to know the new girl because she is the heathen that goes the mega church, that uses instruments and claps in church. Or, the boy that doesn’t fit in because he believes that traditional worship is the way to please God. 

I could go on and on. The fact is that we all know, have had, been in, and heard of these situations. They are not old, in the past or resolved. We are guilty of them daily. Myself included. What are you providing as fuel for those who reject knowing Christ because they know that your heart says and does different things. 

I grew up in Salt Lake City, and something I respect greatly about my friends there is the idea that “we are the example of who Christ is.” No longer do I attend the LDS church but I have a deep connection and love for my mormon friends. Never did I feel out of place, always was invited, if I was hungry or thirsty they fed me, if i was alone they supported me; it is a constant outpour of compassion, regardless what congregation i sat in or sit in today. 

When did being a Christ follower become a secret society with elite members and secret handshakes to be admitted? When did the idea that Christ is so high that he can not be reached without a test and a skilled assessment? No wonder people today reject the idea of salvation and the cross, it has so many road blocks people who are beaten and broken seeking love and acceptance do not have the strength to finish. 

Take the time to embrace life. Embrace and listen to each other without scorn or judgement. Even if everything within you says to tune it out because the agenda you have created does not include the cashier from Target who is using everything she can to not cry when your ask her how her day is. Every second of our lives has a purpose. Every contact, meeting, greeting and accident is there for a purpose. Use it. Open you heart and mind to the truth of love, His love. 

so here are the truths:

 

  • i am a failure.
  • i am a sinner.
  • i need a savior.
  • some days it is all i can do to not just jump the edge and let it be over.
  • i am surrounded by people, as if i am in the middle and they are forming a circle around me, i still feel alone and empty 98% of the time.
  • i am too afraid to let God in.
  • i have no relationship with my dad, therefore i look at my Father with daddy goggles and the image is always cracked, broken and painful to see. 
  • i think if my parents would have noticed who i was as a child i would not be the affection needing freak i am today
  • i will always take every opportunity to teach my boys about the world, culture, life and love with open ears to hear their response to it. 
  • i fear that i will never marry, my mother seems to think it is because her perfect daughter was once a size 2 and now she is only the reflection of her biggest fear – weight.
  • i am happy in my skin.
  • some days i wish i could run and not stop, maybe i would end up somewhere i would not have to be me
  • i feel tapped most of the time.
  • i wish i was told i was worth the wait as a young girl, maybe then i would have waited to become a young woman.
  • I fear that the boys childhood will be empty because i can not provide as well as i was given as a child
  • i am overly funny and sarcastic because i fear i am underly exciting and worth listening to.
  • my dad has tracked every dollar i have been given since the age of 16 – that hurts more than anything
  • i seriously doubt that God gives a rip about me, most of the time i act like a good Christian because its better than being a contradictive, liar.
  • i live for the brief moments when i feel Christ breathing for me, but just like a breath it last only a second, then the doubt returns and my heart is empty. 
  • I love my boys with all my heart and they were the best surprise of my life!

It’s a Twister

Being that it is “severe weather season” here in alley (something we are all very excited about truth be told) I thought that I would mention the storm that has been stirring in me lately. 

I have searching for authenticity. A storm that has been circling for a long time is about the touch down. I have been writing just not publishing, so for my faithful readers I apologize. I have been looking to those around me, some builders others work demolition to finance my way into happiness and security. Well I should have known that check would bounce. 

I am discontent with what I am contributing to life, my life, my kids life, my communities life. What to change, I want to change everything. I have so many ideas, plans, dreams, desires and most of all I want to be a partner with The only One who can make it happen. 

So I ask you this how do you find authentic relationships? Where do you find them, keep them? Do you seek them or have they found you? 

SHARE, its more fun!

 

That’s Profound

Bick says,

In Les Parrot’s book 3 Seconds he makes this observation: “The primary, or conscious, gain that we receive from busyness is often productivity. We feel productive because we look productive. But just under the surface, we may be pursuing busyness because it alleviates some anxiety. Being too busy might even provide the excuse we need for not doing something we fear failing at. Because being busy gives us license to arrive late, slip out early, or be absent altogether, we can rationalize that we don’t have time to do what would help us realize our dream.

I agree.

What are you to busy for…or what are you hiding from?