Give Thanks

Most of the world watched at little Paris Jackson let the world hear her little voice yesterday, and as we were allowed into this little girls broken heart, ours broke along with hers. As a mother, a single mother I wiped away the tears thinking about my kids. I do have a will and my parents have guardianship as well as know my wishes for the boys and for me, but I could not fear that they could be taken from me in a second. I could be taken from them. Then what, I mean I am not afraid of dying, I embrace the idea of sitting with Jesus and just talking about life one day; it is the fear of what is left behind. Them. Suddenly my heart broke again, for the days throughout their life I have taken for granted and gotten mad over for nothing, and wasted worrying about spills on the carpet, for nothing.

My favorite Aunt, Katharina once told me not to let the couch become more important than those who sit on it. I love her. We have the same soul, she is my warmth and compassion, my embrace and my shelter. She is also wise and caring without asking a thing in return. She is the mother I want to be. I say this because throughout my life, I have been told never to slam doors, scratch cars, touch the walls, scour the floors, spill anything and clean up everything. Cars were more important than what I did that day in school, and if I bought home glitter it would not make it into my dads porche that he only brought out on sunny days, and the other time it was under a tarp in the garage. Now I love my dad and understand now why he wanted that golden egg, or porche protected, it took him a lifetime to get it. But in that lifetime he got me, and my brother but somehow forgot, or maybe he never learned how to embrace love instead of loving to embrace things. He is better now, but still when he says not to slam the Hummer doors, my heart clinches and I want to scream really loudly.

I want my boys to know how to respect possessions of others and theirs without embracing them as happiness makers. I want to take in every moment I can, those little boy hands will soon be holding ipods, computers, girls hands and steering wheels; but for now they are mine to hold.

Never Losing Hope

After just watching He’s Just Not That Into You which may be my new favorite movie, I have come across a memory of mine.

1995, the year of transitions, I was on the JV Tennis team (which forced 50 lbs from my butt), Dancing like a queen, had become friends with some of the “popular” girls and was having a blast, oh and I had met and befriended a boy. Yes, that’s right Stacey Alaynna Root had found herself a friend boy, not  a boyfriend  but friend boy.

We will call him Ryan Fess, tall tanned and handsome he was, on the baseball team of the rival school, and a year older which meant he drove!!! We actually started hanging out because a friend of mine had a crush on him and I was her, shall we say Cyrano and go-between. Don’t act like you don’t know what that entailed girls, you were either one or had one. If you are playing dumb this was the gig: Call and  ask for him (called ID negative), talk to him while gaining valuable info to relay to Cyrano, get the details of how he really felt about Cyrano and most important never let him know that you are playing a game with his answers.

So me and Ryan talked and hung out, secondarily because my mother drove a brand new red mustang convertible with a white top, this was the first year they came out with the new body style and Ryan was all over it.  So we talked about cars, baseball, my friends that liked him and I would relay the info. Well here comes the brutal and totally girl thing that I did, yes I admit guilt.  Me, Ryan and we will call her lara got to hanging out because she lived in the same neighborhood as Cyrano, well Lara and Ryan started becoming lip buddies and found themselves making out and pretending to be involved. So we all hung out, Ryan, Lara and I and eventually Ryan and I started dating, I mean actually dating, well we made out too.

Ryan was the first boy I kissed, flirted with, actually thought of as my boyfriend. He called me his girlfriend, his parents liked me. We went to the theatre with my family, I hung out with his friends, he taught me how to drive a manual shift, oh yeah and I lost a friend because I stole her crush. I still feel badly about that. Although, I still think of this relationship as the first glimpse I had of growing up.

I mention this story to come back to the movie, when I least focused on Ryan he was there. When I didn’t need him, he wanted me. When I left Utah for Oklahoma I needed him and he forgot about me. Nope, don’t grab the Kleenex, I found myself in that relationship, I found hope in remembering that relationship, it reminds me that I do not need to search for a man but for myself and let God bring us together.

I promise you it is so hard some days when I get to be the mother, father, doctor, cook, maid and laundry lady. I mean some days I would love to crawl into bed and have arms there to hold me, I find myself asking “was the last time I had sex going to be the last time I had sex” and “am I done having babies, will I ever get to experience a spouse, or am I just going to be a mother and never a wife, woman, bride, will my boys never get to know what life is like with 2 parents, or a backyard, vacations, a home of their own?” I mean I have NEVER been on a date since 1996.

These are such great divides, I think I could build a grand canyon on my questions. I am really trying to make an effort to push those away and be STILL. I prayed and prayed for this apt. that we are in today. For an escape, freedom and my own life. It took years, but we are here and I feel so blessed to have what we have. That I know the plans God has for me, are good and consistent with my hearts desires.

I tell this story becuase I know there are women that daily settle for less than Gods best just to have a warm body next to them at night. So I pray that you allow God’s love to keep that dream alive and that place ready for the man he created for you. Plus, I may not have a man to hold me at night, or a sexual relationship anymore, but I do have the confidence that I can shed those strongholds and let that be a gift I give my husband, I am no longer giving away pieces of me to men who drop them but am keeping myself ready to give my husband all of my heart, not one that looks like Swiss cheese.

I have my little babies to hold at night, and they are the best snugglers in the world. We have God holding us.